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Kallah 101  

See Rabbi Maroof's presentation on Jewish Marriage and hiclochos taharas Hamishpacha at http://rjmaroof.googlepages.com/shoshanatyaaqov.pdf

Online Resource: Kallah Companion at http://www.yoetzet.org/kallahcompanion

While there are many English guides to taharas hamishpacha, the Kallah Companion, a web based course, is much more than another summary of the relevant halachos.  Compiled by Deena Zimmerman, MD, author of A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life and director of Nishmat’s Women’s Online Information Center, and Ilana Sober, the material extends to cover points of women’s reproductive health, as well as other issues of marriage, such as shalom bayis and intimacy. A hashkafic perspective on intimacy is based on  Rabbi Avraham Peretz Friedman’s book.  Talli Y. Rosenbaum, PT, who contributed to the appendix of Dr. Zimmerman’s book, also offers insight on physiology involved here.  Rabbi Yehuda Herzl Henkin, is the halachic supervisor for the course.

When you first look at the Contents page, you have to keep scrolling further and further down to read all the topics covered.  But don’t panic; it’s not as overwhelming as it seems at first glance.  Each lesson is really very short.  You should be able to get through a great many of them in the course of an hour.  You are invited to submit any question you may have by typing it into the form that appearance at the end of each lesson and get an emailed response within 3 days (excluding Shabbat and Yom Tov).  The authors of Kallah Companion invite active involvement: “You can ask for clarifications or explanations of the material you've learned. You can ask personal halachic questions about how to apply these laws in your individual situation. You can discuss your concerns about keeping or understanding these laws.”  You can also ascertain how well you’ve absorbed the lessons by answering the built in review questions and checking your answers.

Kallah Companion puts forward a thorough presentation of both the concepts behind the halachos and the guidelines for practical matters.  For example, it not only offers thorough directives on “How to Prepare for Immersion,” but includes a list of FAQs.  In addition, there is a checklists you can print out for yourself to take along to the mikvah to double check that you’ve gone over all the bases. * The lessons also point out when a  rabbi should be consulted for particular questions with suggestions to ease the mind of those who fear they would be embarrassed.  Indeed, a rabbinic authority could sometimes provide a more propitious approach to one’s individual situation than can be set by guidelines geared toward a universal audience. In the area of seeing spots, in particular, Kallah Companion tends a somewhat stringent view, so it would behoove a kallah to get her posek’s advice on this matter.  

In explaining the intent behind the course, the authors explain how it can supplement traditional kallah classes: “The course gives you a framework to review what you've learned and to explore questions that you might not encounter otherwise.”  The course also aims to serve those whose situation or background would bar them from a conventional kallah class.  While this is also an invaluable resource for them, there are some inherent limitations to the individualization possible in the web-based presentation. As the authors write in their introduction to the section on intimacy, “Personal, individual guidance from your kallah teacher or a trusted mentor can be invaluable as you prepare for this crucial component of marriage.” 

The online course is accessible to both the registering kallah and her husband-to-be for the duration of a year, allowing time for review and to return to topics as they arise in the course of married life.  What is nice about this is that both would be getting the same classes even if the distance between them would normally preclude lessons from the same person.  Being on the same page is very important in this particular area.  They enjoin the kallah:  “Even if you've been doing this course on your own until now, you and your chatan should read the section on Shalom Bayit together. The words below are addressed to the two of you. By setting a framework for discussing these types of issues, you are already laying the cornerstone for success.”

The section offers some brief, sensible pointers to maintaining harmony in the home and sensitivity toward one’s spouse, for example, being careful about how you phrase things.  As they point out, a marriage does not merely happen on its own. “The traditional blessing for a new couple is that they should merit "livnot bayit ne'eman b'Yisrael," to build a house or home. The analogy of marriage to the building of a house is very apt. A house can remain standing for many years if it is built on a strong foundation and if work is continuously invested in maintaining it. This is also true for marriage.” Learning the key lessons in Kallah Companion is a part of laying the cornerstone of the house to be built through marriage.  

*Note:  the following point is not specific to this review but important for kallahs to know.  It has come to my attention that there are some grave misimpressions about what to expect at the mikvah, which leads them to come with questions that the mikvah attendant cannot resolve for them.  While there are rabbis “on-call,” they are available to by phone to answer questions that would come up only at that point.   There are no rabbis present there to see cloths of a questionable state.  If there is a questionable spot during the 7 clean days, one should get it to the rabbi on the day it occurred and explain at  what stage it happened.  Ideally, cloths should be reviewed in natural light, and all such questions should be cleared before one goes to mikvah, especially if there is a possibility that the immersion would have to be put off.  The same holds true for other questions that may affect clearance for immersion.    Leaving these questions suspended until entering a bath puts everyone in an awkward position and causes unnecessary delays for other patrons of the mikvah. 

To see answers to more Frequently Asked Questions, see http://www.yoatzot.org

The article below appears in the Winter 2005 issue of Kallah Magazine     

Before You Order Your Linens 

by Mimi Samuels

   Mazel Tov! You’re engaged. Plan the L’chaim and the vort. Pick a date and book a hall. (Rather, pick the date the hall has available and pray everything works out.) Shop. Shop. Shop.   Make a list of all the important things you have to take care of: gown, shoes, make-up lady, shaitel, outfits for sheva brachos… and somewhere on the bottom of the list is-uh oh!  I’m getting married next month and I forgot to take Kallah classes. Get recommendations. Make a few calls. This one is only available mornings, and you work. The other one will only give you a 10 session course and you don’t have any time. You ask them if they know of someone else…”Please I’ll take anyone. I’m desperate!”

   Ask any Kallah teacher or recent newlywed and they will tell you the above scenario is all too familiar. It doesn’t have to be this way. Perhaps with a few answers to some basic questions, you can prevent this from happening to you.

   What are Kallah classes? Kallah classes are given one on one or in a small group to teach Jewish brides the laws of Taharas Hamishpacha (Family Purity) including laws concerning preparation for and immersion in the mikvah, laws of Niddah, Jewish views on topics concerning intimacy and Shalom Bayis. Kallah teachers are trained to help pick a wedding date that fits in to a Kallah’s cycle, thereby eliminating the need for hormonal drugs. The class also includes Hashkafic insights that help a woman understand the laws and help her to keep them in a more meaningful manner. Sometimes the course is given in a school setting such as in high school or college. While this may be enough to introduce the topic, it should not be relied upon to learn all of the halachos (laws) in a comprehensive manner.  These laws are so important and intimate, that it is crucial for them to be learned in a manner where personal questions can be asked clearly and answered in a way that avoids discomfort or immodesty.

 What should I look for in a kallah teacher? A kallah teacher should be a woman you can rely on for her yiras shamayim  and solid grounding in the halachos as established by the tradition of Gedolei Torah.   She should be warm, approachable, and easy to talk to.  Always ask for referrals from a Rabbi or teacher whom you trust. It is preferable to learn from a woman because this is a woman’s intimate mitzvah, and women can convey the beauty of it more directly.  They can also recommend ways of doing things that can be uncomfortable discussing with a male.  A kallah teacher should be someone you feel comfortable talking to and asking questions regarding personal and intimate topics. The relationship should be one that continues even after the wedding when all the topics you learn about are actually being practiced. A good kallah teacher will encourage you to call or even meet with you after the wedding to clarify any questions or concerns. If you are not 100% comfortable with your Kallah teacher you should look in to changing teachers. The information learned in a kallah class is too important to risk misunderstanding.

 What does my chasson need to learn?  Just like you must take kallah classes, your husband-to-be must take chasson classes.  A man must also be proficient in all the halachos because the laws apply equally to him. There are also hashkafah and shalom bayis issues that are most effectively learned with someone he knows and trusts rather than having them relayed to him by a third party. Your chasson should ask a Rav from his yeshiva or shul to recommend an experienced teacher.  He should also speak to his Rav or Rosh Yeshiva about setting up a “Chasson Smooze,” a one on one talk with a Rav that will give him pointers on how to treat his wife with love and respect.  If he does not have a close connection to a Rav, a kallah teacher will usually have a list of well known chasson mentors that he could call. It is best that both the chasson and kallah learn the same halachic and hashkafic concepts so that their partnership will both be on the same page on marriage issues, so there is mutual cooperation in upholding the mitzvos.

 How can I find a qualified teacher?  Your local orthodox Rabbi or Rebbetzin, and the mikvah attendant should be able to recommend someone in your community.  Another resource is the JME (Jewish Marriage Education) organization.  Founded by Rabbi Yirmiyahu and Tehilla Abramov, who have trained  kallah teachers for over 30 years, the JME has been endorsed by gedolai Yisroel such as Rav Auerbach a”h, Rav Elyashiv, Rav Wolbe a”h.  . A certified JME teacher is trained to give over the standardized laws and information to women of all backgrounds. You can contact the JME at their North American office at (718) 758-0929 or at their website http://www.eisheSchayil.com/private/jme/index.htm for a listing of counselor coordinators in your area.  They can assist you in finding a kallah teacher to match your needs.

 Is there a fee?   So that you won’t be forced into an awkward situation, ask if the teacher charges a fee and how much it is. Some teachers do charge because it takes a great deal of time and energy to teach the material thoroughly. There is a range in price, depending on the teacher and if the class is for a group or one-on-one.  If payment is a problem, say so upfront.  Teaching Torah is a tremendous mitzvah and many kallah teachers will discount or make an exception if the cost poses a real problem. If you have difficulty finding a teacher who does not charge, you can call JME for assistance.  Do bear in mind, it is more difficult to find what you need under tight time constraints, so don’t leave finding your kallah teacher to the last minute. 

How much time do I need to complete the entire course?  Being taught individually is ideal for most kallahs in terms of individual attention, flexibility, and privacy.  At least 10-20 hours are needed to devote adequate time to cover all the points of halacha and hashkafah.  It is usually broken up into 6-10 sessions.  If taught in a group, the class would have to adhere to set times. One-on-one, the course can be broken up into sessions that fit into your mutual schedules.  Kallahs usually have personal issues that need in depth discussion and since these laws are so private and unfamiliar they need to be taught with patience, and reviewed to insure full understanding.   

What if I’m not confident that I learned all that I need to know?  If you left kallah classes for the last minute, or were so preoccupied by wedding arrangements that you couldn’t give the class the attention needed to be sure you are doing everything correctly, there are positive steps you can take.  Unfortunately, many times a kallah does not have the time or peace of mind to find a kallah teacher best suited for her, or even if the chemistry is there, she doesn’t have the presence of mind to absorb all of the halachos and topics discussed. A teacher is trained to develop a bond with each kallah even after the wedding.  Do not hesitate to call your kallah teacher with a question.  She will probably be very happy to hear from you and to offer whatever help she can.  In addition, a woman can and should take a refresher course after childbirth or after a few years of marriage to review halachos and make certain she is doing everything correctly. Refresher courses are usually posted at the local mikvah.  It is never too late to contact your Rav, Rebbetzin, or JME and be introduced to teacher who can review or discuss issues that concern you.  Most important of all, do not hesitate to call your posek about any shaylos that come up.  Nearly all young couples confront questions.  Rather than choosing to be machmir or mekil on your own, you should let a qualified rabbi make that determination.  That way you can be truly confident that what you did was right.

For information on kallah classes http://www.eisheschayil.com/private/jme/index.htm

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The article below appears in the Summer 2008 issue of Kallah Magazine   

 Review of Ish v'Isha  by Rabbi Chaim Brown (Note that this book has been translated into English  under the title The Marriage Convenant. It is available online here)  

While it may be difficult to find a copy of Ish v’Isha --Zachu, Shechina Beineihem: Pirkei Hadracha l’Chattan v’Kallah in the United States (a colleague obtained a copy for me on a recent trip to Israel), it is well worth the effort to procure this exceptional sefer.  Ish v’Isha is a well-written (in Hebrew) work of comprehensive scope by Rabbi Elyashiv Knohl, a Rebbe in Yeshivat Kibutz haDati as well as a Rav in Kfar Etzion. I cannot think of a better guide for the prospective chassan or kallah than this work. 

There are many seforim and handbooks that cover the technical halachos of taharas hamishpacha, and there are a number of books that have appeared recently that discuss how to build a healthy marriage relationship to ensure shalom bayis.  Rav Knohl’s sefer bridges both of these worlds and covers other areas as well.  The sefer includes a detailed review of the laws of taharas hamishpacha, an extensive discussion of the emotional and psychological tools necessary to maintain a good relationship with one’s spouse, a discussion of the wedding ceremony and sheva brachos, and finally, a discussion of family planning and shana rishona.  Another feature  that distinguishes this work from  the standard handbooks is a guide to  martial intimacy in light of Torah and halacha that is included as a separately wrapped paperback.

The first third of Rav Knohl’s sefer focuses on what the young chassan or kallah needs to know about building a healthy relationship with his or her prospective spouse.  While his work is rooted in halacha and Torah sources, Rav Knohl is clearly aware of secular works and research that shed light on these issues.  Many works that seek to address the issue of disagreements in marriage either direct the wife to unquestioningly defer to her husband’s preferences, or advise the husband to buy his wife gifts to mollify her if she becomes upset and angry, without attempting to get to the root causes of disagreement.  Rav Knohl instead encourages the chassan and kallah to develop a healthy respect for each others’ differences and individuality while learning to live together harmoniously.  The greatest benefit to this section of the book is the practical realism which Rav Knohl brings to the discussion of marriage, raising issues which the chassan and kallah may only come to appreciate as they advance into married life. 

We may hope that the glow of sheva brachos lasts forever, but at the same time the new chassan and kallah need to be aware that even the most happily married couples will still run into conflict and their share of difficult moments.  The key to a good relationship is dealing with these moments are arriving at reconciliation and a return to mutual love and respect.  Rav Knohl provides helpful advice on issues like dealing with conflict when it arises, balancing independence from parents with the imperative of kibbud avv aem, managing areas like finances where disagreement tends to develop.  While there is no way to prevent the difficult patches that inevitably arise down the road, an awareness of these issues can be helpful in navigating those patches.

The second section of Rav Knohl’s work is a comprehensive treatment of taharas hamishpacha.  There are a number of features that distinguish Rav Knohl’s sefer.  Each chapter opens with background information that sets out the sources in Chazal for the laws being presented along with some discussion of why they were implemented.  In addition, for those who are interested in further background, there is a complete chapter dedicated to tracing the development of the halacha from the basic Torah law to our present day practice.  Rav Knohl avoids apologetics in explaining halacha, but that does not diminish his ability to convey an appreciation of the philosophy and beauty of observance to the reader.  An understanding of the development and rationale of these halachos makes one appreciate the sense behind the observance.  Along these same lines, Rav Knohl does not simply present the halacha, but addresses concerns the modern reader might have that would be a roadblock to appreciating halacha or proper observance throughout the sefer.

 For example, in discussing the need to discuss certain private issues with a Rav, e.g. maros, Rav Knohl elaborates on how these questions can be posed in confidence of privacy. A Rav, like a doctor, expects questions in these areas and should maintain discretion.  For women who prefer to discuss issues with other women, Rav Knohl recommends the yoetzet hotline.  Another example is Rav Knohl’s treatment of the harchakos.  Rather than sugar-coat these halachos as easy to fulfill if not for the reader’s frailty, Rav Knohl acknowledges that these areas may be difficult for the young couple, but stresses the greater emotional as spiritual good that results from keeping these halachos and which may only be apparent over time. 

Unlike handbooks which often codify stringencies which go beyond the basic halachic requirements, increasing the challenge for a young couple, Rav Knohl emphasizes commonly held practice and basic requirements.  In areas where difficulties may arise, Rav Knohl makes the reader aware of possible leniencies which may be employed in consultation with a Rav.  By taking such an approach, Rav Knohl empowers the reader with the knowledge of issues that may arise, solutions that are available, and areas that may need discussion in advance with a Rav, to alleviate fear and concerns.  The presentation of these halachos is comprehensive and thorough, with great attention to practical detail and real-life situations.  Of course, no sefer can answer every question; every couple’s situation is unique, which is why Rav Knohl repeatedly stresses the need to have a competent Rav with whom one can consult in this areas.  In addition to the halachic material, there is a chapter devoted to the relevant biological facts.   

The third section of the sefer deals with the actual wedding ceremony, the week of sheva brachos, and the first year of marriage.  This portion of the sefer does not go into the halachic depth and detail found in other sections, rather it offers  an overview simply to familiarize the chassan and kallah with the steps of the wedding ceremony and some of its halachic background.  A chapter is devoted to the important issues surrounding family planning.  Here, too, Rav Knohl explores the philosophical dimension of the importance of the Jewish family alongside a treatment of the halachic regulations.  As there is no one answer that fits all, a couple is encouraged to discuss their feelings with a Rav whom they feel will be sensitive to their concerns. 

The halachos of taharas hamishpacha and the dynamic of the marriage relationship comprise some of the most private and personal areas of life which Torah addresses.  Writing and teaching these topics carries the risk of appearing overly intrusive or appearing to make too burdensome demands.  Ish v’Isha manages to avoid these pitfalls while at the same time remaining true to the integrity and authenticity of halacha.  The reader will undoubtedly gain a greater understanding and appreciation of halacha from this work as well as much practical advice that will help in the many years of marriage that lay ahead. 

The article below appears in the Winter 2006 issue of Kallah Magazine

                               Kallah Prep By the Book 

                                                 By Esther Frankel

As a kallah today, you have a great advantage.   You have a wealth of literature with halachic and practical guidelines to Jewish marriage available.   That means that you are not limited to only one standard book but can browse among a dozen to find the one or ones that speak to you.  Not all kallahs fit one mold; they each have individual personalities and inclinations.  So whereas your friend may have found a particular guide appealing because she found its emphasis on finding meaning in the practice inspiring, you may not prefer your guidebook to be more focused on the halacha than the hashkafa.  Or you may want a book that covers a lot of specific “what if” situations.  Or you may want a study that raises awareness about health issues.  Or you may want a book that brings up answers to the questions you were afraid to ask or didn’t know enough about to even frame the question. 

The fact is that there is more involved in the marriage relationship than counting the days and preparing for mikvah according to halacha.  So where do you learn those essential but not easily quantifiable points?  Ideally, you will find a Kallah class instructor who will cover all bases.  Unfortunately, it is possible that you end up with a teacher whose treatment of certain aspects leaves you with a very fuzzy picture at best, and you may have no way of knowing that something vital was missing.  That is why it is important to have a halachically grounded book that will address all the issues you need to know from the beginning of your marriage.

One book that would have been perfect for my needs, alas, did not exist way back when I was a kallah.  A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life by Deena R. Zimmerman, MD MPH IBCLC (Jerusalem and New York: Urim Publications) has a copyright date of 2005.  It is available both in hard and soft cover, not only in stores but from Amazon.  It is called “Lifetime” because it covers the application of these halachos to issues of physical development, as well as the effect of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, and menopause.  In a single word, this book is lucid; the material is clearly organized and presented.  The only change I would recommend in the addition of an index, as some issues are dealt with in part in more than one section.  The author, a pediatrician and one of the first graduates of the Keren Ariel training program in Israel, combines her two areas of expertise to seamlessly present the facts of halacha while bringing up pertinent biological issues.  So she not only points out when you have to ask your rabbi, but when you should see your physician.  Another benefit is that her guidelines about halachic parameters to take into account during different type of examinations lets women know what to expect at a gynecological exam

  The halacha presented is the same as you would find in any other book, though the presentation is much more thorough than most books aimed for a female audience in terms of quoting primary sources for each of the components discussed.  The book will not decide for you, for example, whether or not you should opt for color coordination in selecting your toilet paper, though it will explain the divergent view on the matter so that you’ll understand the issue well enough to know how to frame your question and act appropriately according the psak you get from your rabbi.

  If you’re looking for chizuk [encouragement] in the form of a  lot of hashkafa of the type that assures you keeping taharas hamispacha works to enhance marriage and health, this is not the book for you.  Though the author does not disparage the philosophy offered in other books and does offer recommended reading, that is not her purpose.  As she writes:  “Much has been written explaining the philosophy behind this practice and will not be repeated here.  This part focuses on how to observe these halachot, and not why” (81).  But she does offer encouragement of more practical source.  Thus her footnote on the very next page urges women not to allow self-consciousness to prevent them from asking rabbis when necessary.  “Some women feel they are being ‘more careful’ by not asking and just waiting, but in this area of halacha this is not true” (82). 

I would add that it is worthwhile to ask your posek questions both for gufey halach and for questions of practice.  I recall my Kallah instructor indicating that there is an option for a particular practice early on.  However, she left out some important details like the fact that you have only ten seconds in which to act if your objective is to establish a chazaka that works in your favor and that the ramifications for unfavorable results can be very severe, as in “three strikes and you’re out.”  That’s a pretty serious omission in my view.   On the other hand,  Zimmerman’s book offers a clearer understanding of the halachic principles that underlie this halacha and suggests that problematic results may be resolved my medical attention, though she does not determine what your practice should be.  However, my husband’s chasson class instructor, who also paskins on these issues, came out clearly against it.  The risk far outweighs the benefit, he said, and he assured his class of chassanim that they should call him at 2 AM to personally tell their wives NOT to do if they indicated they would.  On a somewhat lighter note, at a refresher course I attended, I asked the well-known kallah instructor about swimming during the shiva nekiyim.  She said that one’s bathing suit would have to be white, at least on the inside.  Now remember, a Kallah instructor does not paskin for you, so you are not bound in the way you would be if you asked your rabbi.  Afterwards, I asked my rabbi (via my husband), and he said the bathing suit does not have to be white.  So my advice is:  go ahead and ask, and you may get an answer that easier to live with than you may have anticipated.

One of the features that distinguishes this book is its appendices.  These include some standard ones like checklist in preparation for mikvah.  But it also includes some, written by appropriate authorities on the respective subjects, that are not usually included, like the “Review of Physiology,” “Taking Care of Oneself During and After Pregnancy,” and a guide to “Anatomy and Physiology” that should be read by both men and women.  I recall a high school teacher telling a class that she told her less observant students in another school, “My wedding night will be more exciting than yours.”  At the time that statement struck as both inappropriate and inane.  If the excitement in the husband and wife relationship were based on the thrill of the unknown, it would be very fleeting indeed.  In this instance, ignorance is really not bliss and can result in a mistaken assumption of infertility or other injurious frustration in a marriage.  Dr. Zimmerman explains that though it is a natural process, it needs to be learned.  While a Kallah class instructor should teach all of the components her students will encounter, some are not as explicit as they need to be and only refer to the matter in a roundabout way.  The book provides the basic information you would need to even know what to ask.

Another nice features of the book is the Frequently Asked Questions, which includes many illustrative examples of personalized calendars.  Other questions range from a fear of water to suggestions for the husband, to how to deal with social obligations that conflict with a woman’s personal calendar obligation.  I recall the book I was given to read as a kallah offered the story of a woman who went to the mikvah during a snow storm, as encouraged by her Kallah class instructor.  While it did make the point of overcoming obstacles, the forces of rain, snow sleet, dread of night tend to bring out our feeling of heroism.  But the dread of exposure of a personal nature is something many of us find utterly daunting.  Consequently, many women will forego tvila bizmana if they find themselves scheduled to be in the company of others on that date.  Zimmerman puts this issue in the right perspective and provides helpful suggestions to implement it.

If you want a straightforward guide that provides you with an intelligent understanding of the halacha and offers insight on health and physical issues, this is a book that should appeal to you.  If your Kallah instructor did not recommend a particular text, or you were not happy with the one she did, then you may just find what you seek in this volume.  Even if you are already married, you can still learn a lot from it, as can your husband.  So when you find yourself in the market for a book on this topic, don’t overlook this one.

 Esther Frankel claims no expertise as a kallah class instructor, though she is looking forward to her role as mother of a kallah.  She has reviewed books elsewhere.  This is her first review for Kallah Magazine.   

The article below appears in the Spring 2006 issue of Kallah Magazine  

Read Your Way to a Better Marriage   By Mimi Samuels      

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