Dear Ms. Maven,

I just became a kallah last week. The problem is:  his mother is very controlling, and while he is OK with it, I’m not.  He is her only son, and she is very attached to him.  He has always been a model son who obliges her, from calling her twice a day to returning anything bought without her.  This pattern is expected to continue even into our marriage.  She has promised to take of the all our furniture needs –with purchases and selections made by herself.  I am uneasy about having someone else take control over my household decisions.  My chasson thinks we should go along with what we want and thank her for her generosity.  What is your advice?

-Uneasy about mother-in-law

Ms. Maven Responds:   While the specifics of the problem vary, nearly every kallah could find herself in the position of dealing with a different set of expectations when it comes to her prospective in-laws.  That is only natural because you have grown up with one set of parents who bring you up in their way.  Much as you may have in common with your chasson, this is one area where you will inevitably differ.  Another factor that contributes to the unease you may experience in relating to your chasson’s mother is her own feeling of abandonment by her son.  “A daughter is a daughter for life; a son is a son till he takes a wife” goes the old adage, and it is based on experience of many mothers who find their sons’ marriage leaves them in a disappointingly lonely position as his bride fills the role of leading lady in his life.  The mothers who define themselves so exclusively in terms of their relationship to their children find it very difficult to adapt to a change in their role.

A mother of this type does not like to feel that she is no longer needed by her son, especially if she has a particular attachment to him.  So she would rather keep the relationship in the old pattern with herself as adult-giver and himself as child-recipient.   How do mothers keep their grown sons tied to their apron strings?  The simply replace them with purse strings held firmly in their grasp.  While some mothers will give most generously because they want their children to have every comfort, there usually strings attached to the gift.  She who pays the piper calls the tune, and the mother who buys will often make the selection according to her own judgment and preferences.   Given that reality, it is up to you and your chasson to agree on your course and to ascertain that you understand its consequences. For you to insist that she just pay the bill based on your own selections will make you come across as selfish and ungrateful.  You can take “soneh matanos yichye” as your motto and politely decline the gift.   On the other hand, you could accept the position your chasson advanced, but what this costs you in terms of your own happiness may be too great a price to pay for the furniture and the other items she will doubtless offer you down the road.  There is a tone set for the relationship between young couples and their parents from the beginning.  You can let it be set by your mother-in-law and respond accordingly, or you can take steps to establish a relationship that will work for both of you.

To keep the relationship as harmonious as possible between new couples as well as in-laws, kallahs, as well as chassons, must follow thee 5 fundamental rules:

1. Refrain from direct criticism of your future spouse’s relationship with his/her mother.  You don’t want to put him/her on the defensive.  Instead, explain what particular actions bothers you and why.
2. You must both agree, however, that the primary commitment must be to maintaining your own Shalom Bayis.  Even before there was such a thing as in-laws, upon the creation of the first couple, the Torah declares “A man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife,” as his focus must shift to the new home that he establishes.  
3. Don’t take for granted that your fiancé and you share the same assumptions about how involved your in-laws are to be in your life.  You should each express your own point and view and then work at a position that you can both agree on. 
4. Agree on what boundaries need to be maintained and then communicate them calmly and clearly to both sets of parents.  These are your home rules, and it is up to you to enforce them.  It is crucial to do this as early in the relationship as possible, for you will find it is much harder to shift gears once people have grown to expect a particular mode of behavior from the relationship.  In other words, if you start out on the receiving end, it will be harder to get your in-laws to accept a new position of independence.
5. Work out a system of communication.  While some schools of thought hold that communication should always be direct --meaning if you have a problem with your mother-in-law, you tell her directly – you are not bound to such courageous standards.  Unless you have already succeeded in establishing rapport, a direct confrontation with an in-law could be awkward.  It is more expedient to have your fiancé(e) and later on spouse communicate the problem to his/her own parents

These 5 rules will not guarantee that it will all be smooth sailing with your mother-in-law, but at least you know you will stay on course.  And when the going gets really tough, visualize a wheel going  round:  your mother-in-law once was in your position, and you will iy’H find yourself in her position years downs the road.  If all else fails, recall to mind that she has at least one redeeming quality:  without her, you would not have your chasson. 

 Mazel Tov!

Making up a guest list can be a daunting experience. No one has unlimited funds to invite EVERYONE, so where do you draw the line? Do you invite all the first cousins? How about second ones? All the neighbors? Your co-workers? What about Mrs. X who is a dear friend of your grandmother’s, but whom you find an interfering busybody? If this is an in-town wedding, leaving anyone off the list can be a wrenching experience. You want to avoid a social faux pas  and not  embarrass or offend  anyone.  If at all possible, when in doubt, do not leave them out. But you still have to stick to the budget you set out for yourself.   So what can you do?

With the size of weddings getting completely out of hand, some rebbeim have taken steps to limit the number of guests and thus the expense and ostentation. Some chassidic groups try to limit their lists to 250 people. If both the kallah and chosson come from large families, that effectively means the immediate family -- aunts, uncles, some cousins -- and only handful of friends.  As the limit was set by the rebbe said, it is accepted.

For those who wish to include friends at the wedding but whose budget does not allow for such large numbers, there are various approaches to accommodate them. It is possible to invite only a specified category from among your friends and family to the full dinner and the rest to a designated part of the wedding. First you have to be clear on your categories of who will be invited to the full dinner and who for only part of the wedding. The cut-off could be set by age, i.e. no one under 16, for example or by relationship, i.e.  no one more distantly related than first cousins. Or it could be immediate family and friends only. But whatever way you do this, it has to be consistent,  or you risk offending lots of people. 

One possibility is to invite everyone to chupah and smorgasbord reception. There is some variation in this approach. Some offer the smorgasbord at the reception prior to the chupah, while others offer only light refreshment at the initial reception and then offer the smorgasbord after the chupah. That is at the initial round of dancing, allowing those guests who will not remain for the full dinner some participation in the dancing.

Another option that is increasingly popular in some circles it to invite those who cannot be included to the dinner to come after the main course is over – usually 9:30 or 10 PM for an evening wedding – for what is called simchas chosson v’kallah. This allows the younger crowd to join in the festivities and the mitzvah of dancing at the wedding  without the expense of adding to the numbers for the dinner. It is not likely to get too crowded, as by that time, many of the guests who had arrived earlier are leaving. This shift in grouping allows more people to participate and allows the wedding principals to better focus on their guests.

Those who have an out-of town wedding are able to include more people on their guest list because, depending on the distance, many of the guests will decline. But even though you know they  are unlikely to attend, send out that invitation and make them feel welcome. Besides, who knows? They may have another social or business engagement in the area and decide to attend.    When the majority of the family/friends can not come, invite them to the celebrations scheduled in your home town, i.e. vort, aufruf, sheva brochos, etc. to show your wish to include them. Inviting them only to a shower will make it appear that you’re only interested in a gift, not in their participation in the simcha.

 Some weddings are open seating. That’s certainly a convenience for the host, but usually there is more formality and  seating arrangements are made. Try to be sensitive to who you are seating next to whom. If you don’t crowd the tables, i.e. seat 10 people at a 12 person table, you leave space for people to move if they feel uncomfortable. Also, avoid super elegant tiny script in favor of one that actually can be read by guests who want to know which table they have been assigned to.

Now,  not only does the host have a responsibility to be gracious towards his/her guests, the guests have a responsibility to be gracious as well. If you’re not invited, try not to take it too personally. Put yourself in the host’s shoes. Maybe there were other commitments or obligations that had to be fulfilled. Maybe the other side was paying for the wedding and placed a limit on the number that could be invited. Whatever the reason, wish them well. Remember, you might be in that position one day.  If it was an oversight (that does happen) you can test the waters by saying "I would love to come to the chupah!" Usually people don’t mind. And if they really did mean to invite you, they will ask you to stay. But if they don’t say anything, leave it alone and look at the bright side---you saved yourself a gift.

 Unless you are absolutely, positively, 100% certain that you will be staying for the whole wedding, please indicate "chupah only" on your response card. The meals are a very expensive proposition for the host and inevitably some people don’t show up at the last minute for legitimate  reasons. You will be a more thoughtful guest saying "chupah only" and actually staying for the dinner (with permission, of course) than saying you are coming for the dinner and not showing up. 

 Be a considerate host and a considerate guest  to make the simcha enjoyable for everyone.

Ms. Maven responds to the Inviter and Invited

Dear Ms. Maven,

In putting together the guest list for my wedding, I am unsure what to do about a friend whose wedding I attended two years ago. I think it would be too hard for her to come as she now lives several states away and has a baby. So should I just not send her an invitation?

-Making the guest list

Ms. Maven responds:

When in doubt, leave it out. That’s the rule for accessories. If you are not certain whether or not to wear the brooch as well as the necklace, you should leave one of the pieces off. On the other hand, when it comes to doubt over whether or not to include someone on the guest list, the rule is: only exclude when certain you should. Assuming you have not exceeded the number that could reasonably fit where you are having your simcha and you are not going into debt to cover the cost of extra people, if in doubt, do not leave a person out. It is not up to you to calculate the expense of time and travel that would be incurred by the guest. Even if you know that it would involve a plane ticket and much shlepping, it is not up to you to make the decision of whether or not it would be worth it to them to make the trip. If it would be too much for them, they have the option of politely declining the invitation. On the other hand, if you do not extend the invitation when they are expecting one – on the basis of cousinship, friendship, or a business relationship – they may feel deeply offended not to have been included, especially if they find out (and you know they will in the end)someone of no closer standing was invited.

The basis for the principle of when in doubt, do not leave someone out is from no less a source than Tanach. Yalkut Shimoni on Ruth 1: Rabbi Nachman the son of Yitachak declared that Ivtzan (one of the leaders recounted in the book of Shoftim) is Boaz. And Rabbi Yitzchak said that Ivtzan made 120 celebratory feasts for his sons, as it says that he had thirty sons, and thirty daughters he sent off [in marriage] and thirty daughters he brought in [as brides] for his sons [2 feasts for each child]. He did not invite Manoach to one of them. He said, ‘this man is childless, so how could he ever reciprocate?’ [Consequently,] all of his children died during his lifetime." That is quite a consequence for leaving someone off the guest list. As Boaz/Ivtzan was very wealthy, clearly his motive in leaving out Manoach was not to trim his catering bill. He thought he was sparing Manoach’s feelings, for the celebrations of a child’s marriage would remind him that he had no child and would not have the opportunity of playing host at such an affair himself.

Boaz may have been thinking that it is not the guest but the host that is truly honored as Rav Zeyra explained. R’ Eliezer declared that he refused gifts and invitations. He would say to those who would invite him, "Do you resent my living? For it says [Mishlei 15:27] ‘Soneh matanos yichyeh’" [One who despises gifts will live.] Rav Zeyra [in contrast] would also decline presents but would accept invitations. He explained, "it is not for my honor but for that of the host that I accept the invitation" (Megillah 28a). Rav Zeyra argued that it is the guest who honors the host by accepting the invitation and so accepting one is not tantamount to accepting a gift. Along those lines, Boaz probably thought it unfair to call on Manoach to honor him 120 times when he could never repay the honor as a guest at a simcha made by Manoach. Yet, even with the best intentions in the world, the act of excluding someone is considered wrong enough to be punished very severely. Boaz erred in trying to get inside Manoach’s head instead of just acting gracious. We should be careful to avoid the same error.

Dear Ms. Maven:

I am upset about my experience at a Shabbos sheva brochos of a cousin that I attended. It was hosted by the kallah’s side of the family, and I think my sister and I were ignored because I am from the chasson’s side. There was separate seating, so my sister and I were on the female side of the room and so were not with anyone we were related to. The kallah spent time talking to every other guest who was there, but not to us. I troed to go up to my cousin to complain but couldn’t get to him as the men left for mincha right after the meal. Should we tell him now that his kallah treated us rudely, or should we speak to her?

-Upset

"Shomer pesaim Hashem" [Hashem protects fools] . You had already seriously erred and were about to compound that error in a way that would arouse bad feeling and possibly cause lasting damage to your relationship. Due to the arrival of mincha time, you were saved at least from that. The kallah was not at all remiss; she was extraordinarily gracious in including you in a simcha hosted by her relatives. She did this to show that she was thinking of you and did not want you to feel slighted at being left out of a cousin’s sheva brachos in your own neighborhood. As the guest, it is your obligation to go up to the ba’aley simcha to wish them Mazel Tov at the very least. It is also proper to add a compliment about the simcha itself or the hosts. As much time, trouble, and expense go into these events, a good guest should make the host feel that all of it is appreciated. If you would have paid attention to your surroundings instead of dwelling on your own ego, you would have noticed that the guests were doing just that. They were coming up to the kallah to offer their warm wishes and then conversed with her or her mother and sister. The fact that you refrained from doing likewise reflects badly on the state of your own manners. Had you actually succeeded in voicing your misguided view of the matter, you would have compounded your ignorance and lack of etiquette with outright rudeness. So be grateful that you were prevented from acting on your impulses. I suggest you write the kallah a note apologizing for not having approached her (you’ll have to think up your own excuse as to why) but assuring her that you were very honored to be included and thought everything about the sheva brochos was just beautiful. Send a similar note to the kallah’s mother and the hostess of the sheva brochos. After all, you do not want them to think of you as having been remiss.