Thanks

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From the summer 2006 issue on Thank You Notes.

Dear Ms. Maven,

I look forward to my wedding but dread the burden I will be under to get Thank you notes out to hundreds of people in such a short amount of time. I don’t want to appear rude in taking too long, but I have a full-time job plus classes, and I don’t know how I am going to manage it. Last February, I found the following guidelines in a magazine:

1. Only handwritten notes are acceptable.

2. Thank you notes should be sent to those who organize parties and showers

3. Shower gifts should be acknowledged within ten days of the party and wedding gifts within two weeks.” That time is shortened even further for wedding gifts sent before the wedding.

4. Your new return address should be on the cards.

5. Write notes only in blue or black, so that they are more easily read.

6. Emailed thank you's are not appropriate.

Am I really bound to all of the above?

-Beleaguered Bride

Ms. Maven Responds: Ms. Maven found some online sources for the magazine article’s caveat. (A few of them add the point to say “you” far more than “I” in the note.) Some of the dictates are cited by just about all purported authorities on the subject. Consequently, you cannot get off the requirement for handwritten notes mailed soon after the wedding. It is also proper to thank people for services, such as organizing showers, Sheva Brachos, etc. with a note. Include your new return addresses – so people would know your address if they want to mail you something in turn – is a recommended practice.

The good new is: not all of the rules you cited are set in stone. As “Thank you” notes are not legal documents, you are not limited to black ink; color is acceptable so long as it is clearly readable. The time allotted to a new couple to send the notes is, in fact, more realistic than the two week deadline cited by the article. This is an important point. If your wedding guest list numbers in the hundreds, and you don’t have a personal secretary, and you do have work,/school/other obligations outside of writing “Thank you” notes, then you are not likely to get them all mailed just one week after the end of Sheva Brachos. Does that make you guilty of a breach of etiquette? Happily, the answer is no. According to rov poskim (of etiquette that is, not halacha), your actual time allotment is three months, not a mere two weeks. Even that more generous span of time can be too short, though, if your have hundreds of notes to write while juggling other responsibilities. So what do you do if you find it just too overwhelming?

You can show the courtesy of acknowledging the receipt of a gift by sending pre-printed gift acknowledgement cards. That way Great-Aunt Sophie doesn’t have to worry that the package she mailed you never arrived. The drawback to this solution, though, is that you will then have to mail cards twice. The gift acknowledgement card functions rather like filing an extension for you income tax return – it only buys you extra time and does not exempt you from writing the real “Thank you” note. A gift acknowledgement card’s preprinted text could read something like:

Mr. and Mrs. Shalom Israel

Thankfully acknowledge the receipt of your wedding gift.

We will be sending you a personal note of thanks at a later date.

You could accomplish the same thing by emailing the sender of the gift, but your Great-Aunt may be miffed at that, and if she does not have email, that option is completely out.

If you did breach etiquette in waiting too long to get the “Thank you” notes written and mailed, you may apply the adage, better late than never.. Even if you only can get them out 6 months or even 12 months after your wedding date, you should still send them. You never know how affronted people may get about your failure to do so. Nevertheless, you may feel embarrassed greeting them at the Kiddush or bris for your baby if you had not yet sent the “Thank you” for the wedding gift, so you should try to make every effort to mail it before you owe another one for a baby gift.

Make it easier on yourself to express your thanks.

At the wedding; Have a friend or relative act as receiver for gifts brought to you at the wedding so that gifts won’t get lost in the coat room. The designated person should be equipped with a roll of tape to fasten loose cards onto the appropriate gift boxes. That way you will not have to wonder later who gave you the Lenox platter.

Organization: Keep a gift notebook or computer file to track who gave what. If you were really organized with the guest list and already have a file for it, you can simply fill in the gift next to the names of the giver. Then you will have all the information you need ready to write and address your “Thank you” notes.

Timing: Start early and do accept assistance. If you have some time between dinners during Sheva Brachos week, you and your husband can work together on the “Thank you” notes. After all the gifts are for both of you, so there is no reason why he should not contribute to the task – unless his handwriting is completely illegible. If, on the other hand, your handwriting is the illegible one, you can either ask your husband or another willing family member to write the notes. It is considered a breach of etiquette not to handwrite the notes. However, if people would not appreciate your scrawl – don’t express your appreciation in it.

Phrasing: To vary your expression, don’t always write “Thank you for your gift.” If the gift was monetary, you can refer to the gift as considerate, generous, or kind. If the giver expressed the wish that buy something particular with the money given, it would be thoughtful of you to add: “We used your gift to buy a lovely ….that we use every week.” You should not write what one couple I know of did: “unnecessary.” Yes, their intention was to indicate that the giver was not under the necessity of giving the money; however, there are negative connotations to the phrase that imply they did not need and so do not appreciate the gift. If the gift was not monetary, you should name exactly what it was with an appropriate adjective. Remember: you vocabulary should not be limited to the word “nice.” Here are some words to consider including in your “Thank you”: beautiful, considerate, delightful, elegant, exactly right, excellent, fabulous, gorgeous, inviting, lovely, perfect, sweet, thoughtful, useful, wonderful, or use the phrase “reflection of your admirable/good/refined taste.” To show more personalization, add a sentence about your use of the object. For example, “Thank you for the beautifully designed challah cover. It is exactly what we needed for our Shabbos table.”