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Planning The Guest List

By Henie Fialkoff

Making up a guest list can be a daunting experience. No one has unlimited funds to invite EVERYONE, so where do you draw the line? Do you invite all the first cousins? How about second ones? All the neighbors? Your co-workers? What about Mrs. X who is a dear friend of your grandmother’s, but whom you find an interfering busybody? If this is an in-town wedding, leaving anyone off the list can be a wrenching experience. You want to avoid a social faux pas and not embarrass or offend anyone. If at all possible, when in doubt, do not leave them out. But you still have to stick to the budget you set out for yourself. So what can you do?

Crowd and Cost Control

With the size of weddings getting completely out of hand, some rebbeim have taken steps to limit the number of guests and thus the expense and ostentation. Some chassidic groups try to limit their lists to 250 people. If both the kallah and chosson come from large families, that effectively means the immediate family -- aunts, uncles, some cousins -- and only handful of friends. As the limit was set by the rebbe said, it is accepted.

For those who wish to include friends at the wedding but whose budget does not allow for such large numbers, there are various approaches to accommodate them. It is possible to invite only a specified category from among your friends and family to the full dinner and the rest to a designated part of the wedding. First you have to be clear on your categories of who will be invited to the full dinner and who for only part of the wedding. The cut-off could be set by age, i.e. no one under 16, for example or by relationship, i.e. no one more distantly related than first cousins. Or it could be immediate family and friends only. But whatever way you do this, it has to be consistent, or you risk offending lots of people.

One possibility is to invite everyone to chuppah and smorgasbord reception. There is some variation in this approach. Some offer the smorgasbord at the reception prior to the chuppah, while others offer only light refreshment at the initial reception and then offer the smorgasbord after the chuppah. That is at the initial round of dancing, allowing those guests who will not remain for the full dinner some participation in the dancing.

Another option that is increasingly popular in some circles it to invite those who cannot be included to the dinner to come after the main course is over – usually 9:30 or 10 PM for an evening wedding – for what is called simchas chosson v’kallah. This allows the younger crowd to join in the festivities and the mitzvah of dancing at the wedding without the expense of adding to the numbers for the dinner. It is not likely to get too crowded, as by that time, many of the guests who had arrived earlier are leaving. This shift in grouping allows more people to participate and allows the wedding principals to better focus on their guests.

Out of Town Simchas

Those who have an out-of town wedding are able to include more people on their guest list because, depending on the distance, many of the guests will decline. But even though you know they are unlikely to attend, send out that invitation and make them feel welcome. Besides, who knows? They may have another social or business engagement in the area and decide to attend. When the majority of the family/friends can not come, invite them to the celebrations scheduled in your home town, i.e. vort, aufruf, sheva brochos, etc. to show your wish to include them. Inviting them only to a shower will make it appear that you’re only interested in a gift, not in their participation in the simcha.

Seating

Some weddings are open seating. That’s certainly a convenience for the host, but usually there is more formality and seating arrangements are made. Try to be sensitive to who you are seating next to whom. If you don’t crowd the tables, i.e. seat 10 people at a 12 person table, you leave space for people to move if they feel uncomfortable. Also, avoid super elegant tiny script in favor of one that actually can be read by guests who want to know which table they have been assigned to.

For the Guests

Now, not only does the host have a responsibility to be gracious towards his/her guests, the guests have a responsibility to be gracious as well. If you’re not invited, try not to take it too personally. Put yourself in the host’s shoes. Maybe there were other commitments or obligations that had to be fulfilled. Maybe the other side was paying for the wedding and placed a limit on the number that could be invited. Whatever the reason, wish them well. Remember, you might be in that position one day. If it was an oversight (that does happen) you can test the waters by saying "I would love to come to the chuppah!" Usually people don’t mind. And if they really did mean to invite you, they will ask you to stay. But if they don’t say anything, leave it alone and look at the bright side---you saved yourself a gift.

Unless you are absolutely, positively, 100% certain that you will be staying for the whole wedding, please indicate "chuppah only" on your response card. The meals are a very expensive proposition for the host and inevitably some people don’t show up at the last minute for legitimate reasons. You will be a more thoughtful guest saying "chuppah only" and actually staying for the dinner (with permission, of course) than saying you are coming for the dinner and not showing up. Be a considerate host and a considerate guest to make the simcha enjoyable for everyone.

Dr. Fialkoff is a pediatrician who resides in Los Angeles. She has made 5 weddings and is grateful for her machatanim. This is her third article for Kallah Magazine.

From Ms. Maven Responds:

Dear Ms. Maven,

In putting together the guest list for my wedding, I am unsure what to do about a friend whose wedding I attended two years ago. I think it would be too hard for her to come as she now lives several states away and has a baby. So should I just not send her an invitation?

-Making the guest list

Ms. Maven responds:

When in doubt, leave it out. That’s the rule for accessories. If you are not certain whether or not to wear the brooch as well as the necklace, you should leave one of the pieces off. On the other hand, when it comes to doubt over whether or not to include someone on the guest list, the rule is: only exclude when certain you should. Assuming you have not exceeded the number that could reasonably fit where you are having your simcha and you are not going into debt to cover the cost of extra people, if in doubt, do not leave a person out. It is not up to you to calculate the expense of time and travel that would be incurred by the guest. Even if you know that it would involve a plane ticket and much shlepping, it is not up to you to make the decision of whether or not it would be worth it to them to make the trip. If it would be too much for them, they have the option of politely declining the invitation. On the other hand, if you do not extend the invitation when they are expecting one – on the basis of cousinship, friendship, or a business relationship – they may feel deeply offended not to have been included, especially if they find out (and you know they will in the end)someone of no closer standing was invited.

The basis for the principle of when in doubt, do not leave someone out is from no less a source than Tanach. Yalkut Shimoni on Ruth 1: Rabbi Nachman the son of Yitachak declared that Ivtzan (one of the leaders recounted in the book of Shoftim) is Boaz. And Rabbi Yitzchak said that Ivtzan made 120 celebratory feasts for his sons, as it says that he had thirty sons, and thirty daughters he sent off [in marriage] and thirty daughters he brought in [as brides] for his sons [2 feasts for each child]. He did not invite Manoach to one of them. He said, ‘this man is childless, so how could he ever reciprocate?’ [Consequently,] all of his children died during his lifetime." That is quite a consequence for leaving someone off the guest list. As Boaz/Ivtzan was very wealthy, clearly his motive in leaving out Manoach was not to srim his catering bill. He thought he was sparing Manoach’s feelings, for the celebrations of a child’s marriage would remind him that he had no child and would not have the opportunity of playing host at such an affair himself.

Boaz may have been thinking that it is not the guest but the host that is truly honored as Rav Zeyra explained. R’ Eliezer declared that he refused gifts and invitations. He would say to those who would invite him, "Do you resent my living? For it says [Mishlei 15:27] ‘Soneh matanos yichyeh’" [One who despises gifts will live.] Rav Zeyra [in contrast] would also decline presents but would accept invitations. He explained, "it is not for my honor but for that of the host that I accept the invitation" (Megillah 28a). Rav Zeyra argued that it is the guest who honors the host by accepting the invitation and so accepting one is not tantamount to accepting a gift. Along those lines, Boaz probably thought it unfair to call on Manoach to honor him 120 times when he could never repay the honor as a guest at a simcha made by Manoach. Yet, even with the best intentions in the world, the act of excluding someone is considered wrong enough to be punished very severely. Boaz erred in trying to get inside Manoach’s head instead of just acting gracious. We should be careful to avoid the same error.