Ms. Maven Responds: First Impressions

Dear Ms. Maven,

As a bochur about to plunge into the turbulent seas of shidduchim, I have been warned about how crucial a favorable first impression is.  It is not just for one’s date who will usually grant at least a couple of hours before finalizing her impression, but for her parents, who will make their judgment after just a few minutes. What has me worried is that it seems inevitable that the first impression I form on parents of the young ladies I meet will not be what I intend it to be.   I was told the following:

You talk a lot to show yourself to be a sociable and good at conversation.

They see you as a chatterbox who won’t let anyone get a word in edgewise.

You try to be funny.

They wonder at your levity, possibly considering a mark of shallowness on your part.

You drop some names to show your connections and family reputation.

That gives them the message you’re a snob, possibly devoid of real personal merit.

You get into a heated debate, thinking you are showing your assertiveness and intelligence. They find you an obnoxious know-it-all lacking in tact and sensitivity.

You speak only when spoken to and very briefly at that. Your quietness  indicates that you don’t seek to talk about yourself, which, you think, shows you to be thoughtful and respectful.  But the parents see you as shy and aloof or just boring.  Worse, they may interpret your lack of interaction as evasiveness, which indicates you are hiding something.

You dress well to show you care about making a good impression.

They see you as vain, pretentious, and materialistic.

You dress casually to show that you feel comfortable with the situation.

They think you’re a lackadaisical slob.

All that makes me feel doomed before I start.  Do you have any advice for me?

-What can I do?

Ms. Maven Responds:

I wish I could tell you, “just be yourself and you’ll be fine.”  But in fact that is not true.   As all your example indicate, odds are good that no matter what your intentions are, what you do will, ultimately, blow up in your face.  But that does not mean that you should despair, just that you take some basic precautions.   These include appropriate dress, manner, and basic things too often overlooked,  like turning your cell phone off while you meet with them so that you will not appear rude by shifting from your conversation with them to your phone.  Even if you sense that your meeting with the parents left them with a negative first impression.  If you are able to leave a favorable impression on  the daughter, the parents are likely to grant you a second-chance, at least for her sake.   So long as they are not so deeply offended as to forbid your ever darkening their doorstep again, you have an opportunity to win them over on the next meeting.  Of course, it is uphill work, but that does not mean it cannot be done.

 Much of the negative impression people get from shyness is due to the closed-off expression projected by body language.  So make a conscious effort to keep your body language open.  Make eye contact.  Smile upon meeting and leaving and several times in between.  Do not fold your arms.  Some books on nonverbal communication actually suggest mirroring the other person’s body language, but if you do this too much, they may pick up on your mimicry as a false, or worse, mocking affectation.  But do make sure to respond to smiles, handshakes, etc. in kind.  You can also show sociability by accepting an offer of refreshment.  It gives you an opportunity to express appreciation and to compliment your hosts on the homemade goodies.  It also gives you something to do with your hands to help you from adopting the defensive stance of arms folded or hands in pockets. Keep conversation flowing by not only responding to their questions but offering some open-ended ones of your own.  You can say things like, “Tell me about your work.” (so long as it doesn’t sound like your trying to figure out their income.)   Good listeners are regarded as excellent conversational partners.

If you got rather too enthusiastic in your attempt to communicate with these people, think over what was the nature of your infraction?  Tooting your own horn is not the way to go about impressing them.  They probably know all about your family connections already, so don’t bring it up unless they ask.  You may have put yourself permanently in the doghouse if  you’ve aired views that are antithetical to those that they feel strongly about. That could be particularly dangerous to your shidduch cause if they will conclude that you don’t fit in with their family type.  Bringing up Satmar sympathies to a Rav Kook leaning family on the first meeting, for example, is likely to put a red light on all future meetings.  While family feuds may have increased the romantic quotient for the Montagues and Capulets, poison and daggers are not the instruments of choice for an enduring relationship.  Certainly, you should not disguise who you really are; nevertheless, the first meeting is not the time to get into debates with parents on politics, money, family, or hashkafa.   

If you carefully avoided hot issues but just kept on talking, you may get to redeem yourself by demonstrating that you can give others a hearing.  People who are more formal at first meetings may not be able to appreciate your humor at the beginning.  Monopolizing the conversation or interrupting others when they are trying to speak is considered rude.  So the next time, allow the parents to direct the conversational flow and do most of the talking.  Do not clam up altogether, just show that you are interested in what they have to say and take cues from them on whether a joke would be appropriate.  Conscious consideration in conversation will prove that you are not completely self-centered, as they may have thought based on the disaster of the first meeting.

As to dress, you do want to achieve balance.  Think of the impression of what you wear. You would go into a job interview dressed a neatly pressed suit with your shoes polished (and not obviously worn down at the heel)  hair not in need of a cut now, etc, but not looking like you’re posing for a men’s fashion magazine.  Is an entry level accountant expected to come into work in an Armani suit with a Rolex watch, gold cufflinks, and alligator shoes?  No.  (Take note of this for when you do go for a job interview.)  At that point you wish to look professionally polished but not extravagantly elegant.  Unless you and the date’s parents are in a very high tax bracket, it would not be expected for you to dress as the average Yosef  would for his brother’s wedding.  On the other hand, unless you are going to be baling hay on your date, it is expected that you arrive somewhat gussied up in clean and pressed clothes, usually a suit, or sports jacket paired with dress slacks.  Option for hat as a possible backseat accessory.  Frayed chinos tucked into high-tops and a T-shirt will not cut it.  In truth, you can get away with a nice sweater and slack combination, but that completely depends on the circle you date in.  So know what you’re getting into (and the weather forecast) in planning what you will wear.  

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