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From the first issue: Fall 2005 5766 Why Don’t You Just Ask for Directions? By Dr. Brown Picture this: You are on your way someplace that takes you through a neighborhood you don’t know. What you read on your directions does not correspond to the streets you see in front of you. You realize that you must have made a wrong turn. What do you do next? If you are a woman, odds are that you will try to call to someone or pull over in a gas station and ask for directions. But if you are a man, you will pull out a map to attempt to pinpoint your location and figure out how to get back on the road you were supposed to be on. If you are a male driver accompanied by a woman, you may be pestered by companion as she urges you to ask someone how to go, especially if you had to check the map several times. After numerous unsuccessful attempts to find the way on your own, you may grudgingly comply. Who is the sensible one here, the man or the woman? The answer is not so clear. While the woman may succeed in getting on the right road faster by asking someone, she may also be given the wrong directions. The man who tries to find the way himself may not always prevail, but he takes pride in not needing to turn to others for help. The stereotype that men never want to ask for directions is one that is well founded. In her book, Talking from 9 to 5 (New York: William Morrow and Co., 1994), Dr. Deborah Tannen recounts the story of one man’s refusal to admit he was lost, even when there was a real threat to his life and that of his daughter. He was flying a private plane that was running out of gas and didn’t know exactly where the landing strip in the area was. His daughter urgently called out, “’Daddy! Why don’t you radio the control tower and ask them where to land?’” Of course, she meant that he should do just that but did not want to command her father. Yet, he answered the question she expressed, saying, “’I don’t want them to think I’m lost’” (Tannen, Talking.25). While that is an extreme example, it is telling of the lengths men will go to maintain the appearance of being in control of the situation. Yes, men do prove more adept at the spatial skills involved in using maps and more inclined to taking stock of their position with respect to compass points than women. It is also true that women generally identify better with verbal directives than visual-spatial ones. However, the difference in approach between men and women is not just due to gender differences in skills. As Tannen explains, men’s refusal to ask directions stems from their concern to maintain their image as capable and independent drivers. Asking for assistance undermines their status as self-sufficient individuals. In contrast, women in the same situation prove to be only concerned with getting to their destination. As women, generally, do not feel they have to prove themselves as navigators, they do not hesitate to seek assistance from others to attain their goal. What is striking about this particular gender division is that it “runs counter” to the usual perception of the difference between “male and female styles.” The stereotyped view is that men are task oriented, “focused on information,” whereas women are more process oriented, and “sensitive” to the effects of their communication (Tannen, Talking 27). As Audrey Nelson reports in You Don’t Say: Navigating Nonverbal Communication Between the Sexes (New York: Prentice Hall, 2004), her survey results indicates that women are perceived to “’have a clear perception of the total picture of communication’” (Nelson 22). However, that perception is out of the picture when it comes to asking for directions. Rather than being process oriented and sensitive to the connotations of seeking information from others, they are completely focused on the task of getting to their destination. In light of that, turning to someone else for information makes sense, for it is an efficient means to the end of getting where you wish to go. In the situation of finding one’s way, “the women who ask questions are more focused on information, whereas the men who refrain from doing so are more focused on interaction – the impression their asking will make on others. In this situation, it is the men who are more sensitive to the impression made on others by their behavior (Tannen, Talking 28). Men recognize that in asking directions that they are putting themselves at a disadvantage vis-à-vis the person who grants them the information. Tannen explains in You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. (New York: William Morrow and Co.,1990): “When you offer information, the information itself is the message. But the fact that you have the information, and the person you are speaking to doesn’t, also sends a metamessage of superiority. . . . the one who has more information is” in a superior position “by virtue of being more knowledgeable and competent. From this perspective, finding one’s own way is an essential part of the independence that men perceive to be a prerequisite for self-respect.” It is always better to give than to receive if the object in question is information because the giver demonstrates his superior status based on the wealth that most valuable commodity of all -- knowledge. “Insofar as giving information frames one as the expert, superior in knowledge, and the other as uninformed, inferior in knowledge, it is a move in the negotiation of status” (Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand 62, 63). The one who bestows knowledge has a one-up position over the one who must ask for it. So if you do not want to enter into the inferior position, you want to be the one telling, not the one asking. Resolving your logistical confusion through the aid of maps in your own possession rather than other people allows you to show not only mastery of navigational skills, but, more importantly, self-sufficiency. You do not open the way for another to bestow information upon you and thus keep your status intact. While you may think it doesn’t matter how you end up getting back on route, so long as you get there, the male concern for image maintenance is advantageous in situations in which they are in fact being assessed. The difference in approach between men and women has significant ramifications for the world of work. As Tannen explains in Talking from 9 to 5, female conversational styles can make them appear less competent than their male coworkers. Of course, there are the factors of quality of voice and body language conveyed by one’s stance. Yet, another reason why women sometimes fail to make the favorable impression they need to is that they ask questions, seeking explanations from others. Some women even ask questions about simple processes that they do in fact understand because they intend the questions as conversational openers, a form of small talk. What they don’t always realize is their questions may be used against them as evidence of their lack of knowledge. In contrast, men who are conscious that the questions are perceived to indicate ignorance, tend to refrain from asking. They can then either look the answer up themselves, or, more dangerously, proceed in real, albeit masked, ignorance just as they may continue down the wrong road without asking directions. In the world of work, the male strategy is more effective in presenting the right impression of competence. Self-assurance can yield more rewards than honestly working at getting the right answers. Ultimately, there is real logic to the apparent madness of not asking directions, and there is a lesson for females to learn from the male method. From the Winter 2005 issue of Kallah Magazine From The Good New Report 37 cents for Tzedakah (from before the postal rates increased) Why should such a piddling amount be worthy of consideration? It is in small things that true kindness may be revealed. While many may be happy to make the grand gestures of large public donations that bring with them honor and prestige, there is little to be gained by the small contributions that are almost never publicized. But this story is not really about a small donation to tzedakah but what brought it about. On Thanksgiving Day, we headed out to Brooklyn for visits and errands. While in Boro Park, I popped into Korn’s Bakery to pick up a bagel and Danish for my husband’s breakfast and lunch the next day. A couple of hours later, while we are at my in-laws’ house in Flatbush, I got a call on my cell phone. The caller identified herself as the woman behind the bakery counter. The reason for her call was that I had dropped the envelop containing a statement with a check to pay it in the bakery. The caller offered to seal the envelop and mail it for me. I was amazed that she located me. She explained that using the address information on the statement, she was able to find my home phone number, and that the message on the machine gave my cell number. Because she realized that a check for a bill cannot just be disregarded, she took the time to track me down and did not just mail it on her own in case I was still waiting for some change in my bank balance. This woman’s actions demonstrate true chesed; instead of just letting it go, she took the time to make sure my mind would be at ease. I was reluctant to impose on her further by letting let her mail the envelop because I had not yet stamped it. As it was the most practical solution, though, I agreed, saying I would owe her the 37 cents. She insisted that I put the money in tzedakah instead. That is why I put that amount in a pushka for Tomchei Shabbos. But the real inspiration is what preceeded that donation. In a world where people often neglect even basic courtesy, this episode is one I am happy to report as good and encouraging news. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the spring 2006 issue On the Shidduch Crisis: Materialism and Marriage By Zeecil M. Gholian Secular Ideals Meet Frum Dating I have always dabbled in shidduchim, but last Rosh Hashanah I made a resolution to really concentrate on helping people try to get married. I started getting more involved in shidduch meetings, lectures and internet dating sites, and that’s when I began noticing a disturbing trend: singles of both sexes who claim they want to meet the right person, get married or be married really do not have any idea what they need in a mate for a long-lasting, real relationship -the kind of relationship that leads to a marriage based on Torah ideals, which has challenges that only frum people face. What’s changed? The world has become a materialistic place, where superficiality reigns and unfortunately Jews are being dragged down. It’s in the air and not just in Hollywood. This disease has permeated even the best yeshivas and seminaries and is becoming an issue with a younger and younger crowd. I am speaking specifically about secular values that have become the norm in choosing who to date and eventually who to marry. Even more disturbing, singles and parents of singles are putting a frum spin on their demands, in order to justify their superficiality and un-Jewish ways of thinking. This is manifested both in how people are dating and in their requirements for a prospective match: Dating Attitudes: 1) Life should be like Disneyland – If it’s work, what do I need it for? “Why do I need the burden of marriage and children? I am still young, and I need to sow my wild oats.” This is never stated outright – it’s very subtle – but often when a shadchan approaches someone with a prospective match, it’s possible that by the time they hear back (“,yes” “no,” or just “hello”) the other party is already engaged. This makes the statement, “I am in no hurry.” This reminds me of my non-Jewish co-worker who has no children because they are too big a “responsibility.” Yes, marriage too is a major responsibility, and is difficult and trying at times, but it’s also life and pleasure and the greatest growth potential for two people. 2) Writing G-d out of our lives. Trying to be in control as though we can run the world shows a serious lack of bitachon. Some examples, refusing dates with someone from a family with medical issues that are non-genetic, like birth accidents; men who refuse to date women above the age of thirty-seven with the excuse that they want children. Who says thirty-seven is the magical age, and that we control our ability to have children? Is this normal hishtadlus or is it their need to plan and control what is going to happen until they are 120? There are women having children at fifty, and there are twenty-one-year-olds who are infertile. We need to seek competent halachic and medical guidance before writing people off wholesale. 3) Winning is everything. When two people date it is often turned into a game of who will cave and answer with a “yes” or “no” first. Shadchanim have to chase after both parties to find out what happened. Even when one wants to say yes, he or she will do so only after knowing if the other party will say yes as well. It’s important to show interest in the person you are dating, even if it makes you vulnerable. When two people have an honest relationship, neither trying to have the upper hand, everyone wins. 4) Entitlement. The American promise of life, liberty and happiness for all, without effort, as part of my rights. Singles have lists of expectations for a potential spouse, and it has become an attitude of” I am entitled to all of it and besides I need it.” If a shadchan dares to suggest a prospective match that does not meet every requirement one hundred percent, it has become common place to tell that shadchan off in a most abusive manner. What are often thought of as “needs” are often actually “wants.” And having all our “wants” may not be what’s best for us. This attitude is ingrained into our thought processes from a very young age. Even my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter tells me “I need it” when she asks me for chocolate. Match Requirements: 1) Age – Idol worship of youth. It has become perfectly acceptable for men to want to date women at least seven years younger than themselves, and age is their only criterion. Singles have all types of justifications for this attitude, including wanting large families and being “young looking.” Does being young looking make your biological age change? Check your driver’s license. It is unrealistic that as a person ages, the age of their prospective match does not change at all. 2) Dress Size – Everyone has become a maven on the health issues associated with being overweight. The eating disorders that have become prolific in our society due to pressure for being skinny (not slender, not healthy, not average – but SKINNY) are largely ignored. (For example, anorexia, and bulimia actually can prevent people from having children.) When “thin” is the first criterion on many lists – not middos or hashkafa – then something is very wrong. 3) Beauty – Looks for the sake of being able to show your spouse off to your friends. Even with young yeshiva guys who don’t frequent movies or watch TV, the term “drop-dead gorgeous” has become standard. And women are not any less susceptible to this superficiality, although with them it is manifested more in height and hair requirements. (How many six-foot-tall frum guys are there in the world?) 4) Attraction – This is a big one. I think the best advice I heard came from a very close friend of mine who informed me that there are no birds chirping, no bells whistling and the music does not really play in the background, even though that is what happens in the movie soundtrack. I am married and fully understand that one must be attracted to one’s spouse, and in a good relationship both sides will do everything they can to look nice and be attractive to the other person. (My mother once dyed her very black hair red as a surprise for my father, because she thought he would like it. Of course, he could not understand what possessed her to do something like that.) If you find the person you are dating very unattractive to you (you cannot look at him or her) or possesses a specific attribute that irks you, it’s understandable that it won’t work. If you weren’t knocked on your knees on first impression, that’s ok. Very few people feel love at first sight, although in hindsight some people will say they “knew right away.” And the idea that attraction grows has a basis in halachah, as there are more issues of yichud for an engaged couple than for two people on a first date. 5) Money – The size of the diamond, the car he or she drives and the prospective down payment on a house in an expensive neighborhood for a young couple just starting out. Needing to know the size of a match’s bank account in order to determine how many years of support would be offered to a young kollel couple. Please don’t get me wrong – I myself and supporting a husband in kollel, and believe support is a very important concept. But for what kind of lifestyle do kollel couples need support? A yeshiva lifestyle or the “lifestyle of the rich and famous”? Unfortunately, what led me to write this article was seeing that people have no shame anymore in listing very detailed requirements to describe their perfect mate. Some of these adjectives are actually anti-Torah. But more than that, they are often things that just a short while ago people would have been embarrassed to say out loud (and a few comments have made me, a married woman, blush). I think each person should sit down and carefully, honestly and critically evaluate the requirements he or she has for a prospective shidduch. Which characteristics are really sacrosanct and which would be nice, but are optional. This should preferably be done with the help of a dating mentor and/or competent halachic authority who knows the person very well. Generally, shidduch requirements should be the three or four essential values that a person needs to achieve shalom bayis and proper child rearing with a spouse. Then, when it comes time to date, singles should try to be more open minded. Sometimes the right person comes in a package entirely different than what was expected (Sefardi vs Ashkenazi, taller or shorter, two years older or younger, perhaps even a non-perfect family). In the zechus of wanting to do the right thing to meet the kind of person who will be an asset in the service of Hashem, each person should find their zivug at the right time and build wonderful homes in the Jewish nation. Disclaimer: This article is the observations of one individual. If you have questions or issues about the information presented here, please speak to your own personal halachic authority. Zeecil M. Gholian was born and raised in NY, got married a bit later in life, moved out of town. She writes: “ Being unable to forget what it was like to be single myself I try to help friends and family members find ‘the right one’. I can be contacted at: zmkmct@netzero.net”. From the spring 2006 issue Shidduchim in the Middle Ages For Jews, the marriage market in the Middle Ages was in fact sometimes based in the literal marketplace. According to a book that appeared in mid 17th cent. Venice: “He who had a son or a daughter to marry journeyed to the fair” held at Lemberg and Lublin, “and there made a match, for every one found his like and his suit.” Thus, the source claims, thousands of matches were made as a result of the fairs. That is not to say that shadchanim were out of the picture during that period. Actually, a shadchan was regarded as entitled to the rights conveyed by the legal status of an agent. In Medieval Europe, the profession of shadchan was usually held by men. Among them was no less than the illustrious Maharil, who derived much of his livelihood from making shidduchim. According to the standards in most places, fees for the shadchan’s services became due when the match was arranged, even if the parties afterwards did not go through with the marriage. In the middle of the 18th century, the shadchan in the Black Forest district received 11/2% on dowries of 600 gulden, and 1% on larger amounts, from both the chasson and kallah’s families. However, outside that area, the fee was 2%. The percentage could even exceed that amount. Like any broker’s fee, the amount could be subject to negotiation according to the circumstances and the wealth of the parties involved. A written promise on the part of the bride’s father to support the new couple for a period of even a few years was included in some matches. However, this amount would not have entailed rent, for the couple usually was housed in the bride’s family home. Also the couples involved often in their teens, with brides as young as twelve and grooms as young as thirteen. Consequently, the bride’s father sometimes also committed to paying for his son-in-law’s learning with an instructor.
From the Orthonomics blog on jrants.com by “Sephardi Lady” · I presented a fantastic Ben Torah with a great professional career and the ability to support a family to a person looking for just that profile, but was told he was too short. There was no chance of these two people even talking on the phone, must less going on a date. · I gave a friend references for a young lady that might be appropriate for her sincere and kindhearted son who is learning at YU and has a Chareidi bent and would like to learn as long as possible, possibly in Lakewood. One of the Rabbis on the reference list actually yelled at my friend's husband for daring to suggest that their YU boy would be good enough for this girl who was looking to marry a learner. Never mind that the girl's yichus is flawed and nobody in the neighborhood is knocking down doors to land a date with this very sweet girl. Never mind that the boy is a real Ben Torah who is known for his middot, his devotion to learning, and his drive to learn Torah from all who teach it (that wasn't even discussed). Never mind being nice and polite and asking further questions. Just shoot the messenger and make the middleman (that would be me) feel terrible that the father received such abuse! There was no possibility that these two people would ever speak, even for a minute. · I suggested an idea of a shidduch and worked on most of the odds and ends for approximately three months, until both would be in the same country to meet. Both mothers were excited about the possibility, but the Rosh Yeshiva had to approve the match before the boy and girl went out on a date. Three months of work was halted after the Rosh Yeshiva said no. And, at that time, I didn't lack fire, so I called the Rosh Yeshiva and spoke to him (bold move for an unconnected woman). It was a rather painful experience as I was told that all I had were two names out of a phone book when both mothers were my friends and I'd put in hours and hours of work. In just minutes, the possibility of these two young people speaking was lost. I wish that I could re-kindle the flame and get some of my enthusiasm and drive back, but I am a person who likes to complete tasks. I get a high from completing a professional project, and I get a high from completing a load of laundry. If I could manage to actually manage to get two people on the phone speaking to each other more often, I'd feel a sense of accomplishment and want to feel that sense of accomplishment again.
From the fall 2006 issue 5 Vials of Prevention: Dor Yeshorim Screenings by Ariella Brown Recessive genes can pop up in surprising ways. “Where does she get her red hair from?” is a question I am often asked about my youngest, the one redhead in the family. The real answer is that both her father and I carry a recessive gene for red hair. It did not manifest itself in our own hair color, but combined in one out of four children to produce a redhead. Of course, this particular result of recessive genes has no serious consequences. But that is not the case when the recessive genes for diseases combine to produce a child with a devastating condition, such as Tay Sachs, which is carried by one out of 24 Jews of Ashkenazi descent, and 95% of those would not have been clued into the possibility of their carrier status by having seen the disease manifested in their families. If two carriers marry, their children have a one in four chance of being born with Tay-Sachs. Those odds could result in utter devastation for a couple facing the prospect of a Tay-Sachs baby who is doomed to suffer deterioration and an early death. The heartbreak of losing four of his own children to Tay-Sachs impelled Rabbi Yosef Eckstein to found an organization committed to preventing such occasions of suffering for other couples. With the support of rabbinic authorities and medical experts, Dor Yeshorim opened as a non-profit organization in 1983. That year, 45 samples were collected to be screened as carriers for Tay-Sachs in New York. Over the years, their work has expanded in numbers, range, and locations. Dor Yeshorim now screens for nine terminal diseases commonly carried by Ashkenazic Jews: Cystic Fibrosis, Familial Dysautonomia, Canavan Disease, Glycogen Storage Disease, Fanconi Anemia Type C, Bloom Syndrome, Niemann Pick, and Mucolipdosis Type IV. Gaucher’s disease is also tested if it is specifically requested. In 2005 the number of samples collected by Dor Yeshorim exceeded 18,100 in New York, Israel, and other locations around the world. To date, over 203,000 people have had Dor Yeshorim screenings. As a result, nearly 800 couples discovered their genetic incompatibility in time. A tangible measure of the success of the program is seen in the change in the once crowded Tay-Sachs ward of Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center; by 1996 it was completely empty of Tay-Sachs patients. The aim of Dor Yeshorim is to prevent people from proceeding into a relationship that would result in two carrier parents. However, the organization does not want people to suffer feelings of inferiority, anxiety, or depression which may result from knowing themselves to be carriers of these illnesses. Consequently, anonymity is maintained, and no one is told the results of the blood screenings. No names go on file. Dor Yeshorim assigns an ID number to each person tested. When a match is proposed, the involved parties call the hotline (in the US it is 718-384-6060) with the ID numbers and day and month of birth of both sides. The compatibility results are conveyed by a return phone call from a Dor Yeshorim representative. This information is never extended to a shadchan or relative inquiring without the individual’s ID# and requisite information. If only one or neither is a carrier, then the shidduch would be deemed compatible. Therefore, one would only learn of one’s own carrier status in a case where it is necessary to prevent a match that would bring two carriers together. The following story was sent in to me in connection to her shadchan experience: At one point where the dating was getting "serious," I decided that I wanted to check our Dor Yeshorim numbers, to see if we were compatible. I brought this up to my shadchan, and she agreed that it was time to check. She let "the other side" know, and then we found out.... he had never taken a Dor Yeshorim test at all! He just hadn't expected anything to come up yet (he was just back from Yeshiva to stay for the first time in 3 and a half years.) That was pretty disappointing for me because from the time he would take the test it would take another two weeks until he would get the results. Two weeks of uncertainty . . . perhaps we wouldn't be compatible. But it had been going so well!!! I called my Shadchan and asked her to see if there was any way to get the results faster, she said that she would work on it. After a bit of time it became apparent that there was nothing she or anyone else could do except wait and daven.
It was around that time, that my grandmother (my private dating mentor) fell ill. A week later, it was all over. Shiva was very difficult for all of us, and on top of it all I was still going out - and had not yet received the Dor Yesharim results. What a week! My shadchan came to be Menachem Avel (comfort the mourners) my mother. Before she left she pulled me aside, and told me that all good things come with tests, and sometimes the point is not to solve the problem, not to try to make it all better, but just to withstand it, to say "Hashem (God) this is hard, it's hard to keep dating him without knowing if our Dor Yeshorim will be compatible, but Hashem, I know that everything you do is for my best, and I will withstand this test, in faith. She told me to be strong and daven for everything to work out for the best, and she gave me a hug. At that point, I dissolved into tears, some of it was pain over my loss, some of it was confusion over my situation, and some of it was gratitude towards my caring shadchan. I took her wise advice, and a sense of calmness came over, I really believed. Two weeks later "he" called me while I was driving, so I pulled over to the side of the road to talk. He asked me if I wanted to know what the results were (um no...) OF COURSE!!! He told me that they were positive [positive meaning good – in test results, “negative” is what means nothing is detected], and we were compatible! The story continues with her meeting his parents before a date, which was followed by their L’chaim. She concludes with: “The rest, as they say, is wonderful history.” We can imagine the great relief the young woman felt upon hearing the Dor Yeshorim results. Yet, for two weeks she had to remain in a state of uncertainty about the possibility of a future with this young man. The two week wait for the results after the relationship has already progressed can be agonizing. That is why Dor Yeshorim recommends that everyone be tested as early as possible, so that their results will be on file for an instant answer to the question of compatibility, and the ID numbers should be called in as a matter of course for any proposed match even before the couple meets rather than just before an engagement. Ideally, couples should clarify that it would be safe for them to marry before they are emotionally involved. In fact, Dor Yeshorim will not test couples who are already married, engaged, or in a committed relationship as they do not want to be in a position of breaking up an established relationship. Establishing incompatibility at the point that the couple already feels such a level of commitment gives rise to complex psychological and halachic issues. In an effort to encourage individuals to be tested as early as possible, Dor Yeshorim initiated a school screening program in Jewish high schools. This allows the triple benefit of getting it out of the way before the dating process, convenience and savings on the cost of the test. If a school has enough interested parents, Dor Yeshorim would send technicians to collect the samples on the school site. The savings in cost are passed on to the participants. The more that people participate, the more benefit there would for everyone involved, for they would not have to endure an anxious waiting time if the other party had also been tested. With all the stresses inherent in the shidduch process, it is certainly helpful to resolve as much as possible in advance. To learn more about Dor Yeshorim testing and about area schools that participate in the program, call their Brooklyn headquarters at 718-384-2332 or email cf@dor-yeshorim.com. ----------------------------------------------------------------
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