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Other advice from Ms. Maven, Rabbi Slatkin, Dr. Brown, and other contributors can be found under the following categories:
Shalom Bayis
Be sure
to check out The Jewish Marriage Book: Improving Your Marriage
One Jewish Holiday at a Time by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin MS, LGPC
Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist available on
http://www.jewishmarriagecounseling.com/the-jewish-marriage-book.html
from the summer 2008 issue:
Ms. Maven Responds: Shopping Competence for the Kallah
Dear Ms. Maven,
I just became a kallah and feel overwhelmed by all I need to get to set up my first apartment. We don’t have a lot to spend and probably won’t be there for more than a year or two so I want to keep things as simple as possible. My mother suggests I could register for what I want so that I can get it bought for me as wedding gifts. My married friends warn me, though, not to rely on getting all I register for. They say that only a few people check the registry and so they won’t necessarily buy what I pick and it is quite likely that I won’t get all the things I need that way. To get started on shopping, my mother started taking me around to the "heimish" stores. One in our neighborhood advertised a special on "kallah packages." The saleslady eagerly brought out sets of bedding and tablecloths that were several hundred dollars each. When I asked if there was anything less expensive, she said she would check, but immediately walked over to another customer and never came back to me. With all I have to do in the next couple of months, I don’t want to waste time or money. What do you advise?
-Kallah in a Quandary
Ms. Maven Responds:
Mazel tov to you. May you be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman beYisrael. As you prepare to furnish that bayis, though you will have a lot of shopping to do. Even if you intend to start out with just the basics and are willing to put off on the formal living room and dining, there is still quite a lot of stuff you need to properly equip your kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. And, what your friends tell you is true. You cannot rely on your wedding guests to take care of it all by buying just what you register for. So what you do? What should you not do? And where should you go?
What to do: Prepare, organize, and keep all your receipts.
Make a list of everything you really need, from pots to pillows, and don’t forget the little things that range from can openers to corkscrews, as well as a budget allocation for each category – linens, kitchen essentials, etc. clearly set down on paper. Nearly every store that carries linen, dinnerware, or appliances offers a bridal registry, so you can go ahead and register your choices. But if you want to get started yourself, get out your list, your budget, and your wallet and start shopping. Just remember to keep all receipts in case you need to return something. Perhaps your purchases should include a file to keep both your list and receipts in order. That way you can check off what you’ve bought from your list and have the corresponding receipt available if you should need it.
If you are buying in advance, there is some possibility that you will get duplicated version of what you already acquired, so you will save yourself a lot of aggravation if you buy from a store that accepts returns for a full refund rather than just store credit. If your gifts come from such a store, then you will even be able to trade them in for money you can use on anything. Unfortunately, though, many people select gifts from stores that are not quite that accommodating, and then you will be forced to select something from the store stock for exchange. That may be how people end up with $50 aprons: they need to exchange the $50 platter they had no use for and figure that the apron – while overpriced – could at least be used. But you really don’t want to do that to yourself.
What not to do: Do not put yourself into a situation that will likely result in budget busting.
If you consider a store overpriced, don’t register there. I once read that someone did just that with the intent of returning all gifts to the overpriced store to get the money and then buy what she wanted at a cheaper store. That approach is very wrong. It is a double whammy on gneivas da’as, as well as bound to miscarry. A) This plan is dishonest with respect to both your guests – who think you really have the gift in mind rather than a plan to bilk them out of their money -- and the store that is spending the time on putting together your registry in the hope of generating sales – not returns.
B) Odds are that this plan will backfire, either because your guests will see that the prices are outrageous and forego shopping there or because the store will allow only store credit, so that your overpriced dishes will simply have to be exchanged for overpriced other stuff.
Honesty, of course, works both way, and you should be wary of the "bait and switch" tactic. It’s designed to lure you into the store with an advertised special that sounds like an amazing deal and then to talk you into buying a more expensive version of that item. For example, a store could advertise "sets starting at just $39." Then when you come in search of those $39 sets, the salespeople insist on first showing you the "better" options that are priced far and above $39. If you still insist on seeing the $39 sets, they may say they are currently out of stock, which should raise a red flag of false advertising. Alternatively, they may grudgingly pull one or two of those sets just to point out that the more expensive one is really the better choice for you. Now it may, in fact, be true that the $90 sets are far and above better than the $39. But you are the one who knows your budget, and you should not be pressured by sales tactics into breaking it. As the store shows itself to engage in dubious tactics, you should take your business to a place that represents its price ranges more honestly.
Another thing not to do is to limit your store options. You do not only have to shop in stores that offer "kallah sets." You can put together your own "set" based on your own preferences and budget. While some heimish shops actually do offer discounts off list prices of names you could recognize and compare elsewhere, some carry only "exclusive" lines, at exclusive prices and deal with you in a way that could make you feel very excluded indeed. If the saleslady gives you condescending attention after you indicate you are not looking for the luxury line and responds to your price query by saying she has to "look it up" with a sigh that indicates you are not worthy of her time or the effort it would take her to take a few steps in her high heels, you probably should bring your business elsewhere. High prices and attitude are not a good shopping combination. While it is a commendable thing to support people in your community, that is only so if the heimish shop’s pricing is in line with what regular stores charge and offers comparable service and selection. If it doesn’t, go elsewhere.
For example, one woman recounted that she went into one of these stores to buy a tablecloth, and found the plainest, most unimpressive one there was priced at $100, while the nice ones were upwards of $200. Though the saleswoman tried to talk her into spending more than she knew she should on the grounds that it was "for Shabbos," this was one smart consumer. She went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought a nicer one than the tablecloth priced $100 in the heimish store for just $30. If she had one of those ubiquitous 20% coupons with her, then she would have saved an additional $6 on that tablecloth. At $24, that tablecloth would have been just ¼ the price of the cheapest option at the heimish store and even without the coupon, it would have been less than 1/3. That’s a very significant difference.
But imagine if she had bought a table that could not be accommodated by any tablecloth other than the type carried in such heimish shops, she would have had to spend the $100, right? But why would anyone buy such a size? They do, though, not for their tables but for their beds. It is popular among frum young couples to order the 48" mattress that is not quite full but too large for twin. That means that the standard sheets will not fit. So where can they get their bedding? Only in the heimish shops that carry such sizes and can set the prices however they wish with no mainstream store competition. Remember: to be forewarned is to be forearmed. And we certainly could use four arms rather than a mere two to handle all the shopping.
Where to go: You could literally let your fingers do the walking by browsing online and checking out what stores with solid reputations for value and customer service have on offer.
The internet is a great place to start your search to get an idea of what is available, read reviews, and compare prices. Sometimes the best price for an item will be found online. Just beware that shipping charges don’t knock out all the savings. For example, if you find an iron online for $20 that sells in your store for $25, don’t hit the "Buy Now" button until you’ve calculated everything. If the shipping is $7, you are actually out $2. However, if you find enough items selling below store price to qualify for free shipping or just enough to assure that you are saving more on the total purchase than the shipping cost you, than it may be worth it. The only thing you have to still consider before hitting that button is the return policy. What are your options if you need to return the iron? Do you have to pay shipping charges or will they pick up the tab for that? That can, certainly, make a difference.
Internet and store combinations: Many stores, like Target, offer their wares both online and in brick and mortar locations, though some items are "online exclusives." The advantage of such a setup is that you can browse online, check what’s on sale and then either buy with a click of the mouse, which may pay when there is a special low or no shipping charge, or by scooting over to your local store. Another advantage of this is that you can usually return goods purchased online to a store and get credited on the spot, so that you do not have to go to a post office or UPS center to ship it back and bear the charge until all is sorted out. When you shop for your linens, you can compare prices online for Bed Bath and Beyond and Linens and Things. You will find a wide variety of "bed in a bag" options, ranging from $40 to $150, on average. Those sets usually include the quilts, which make them a much better buy than the sets that include only sheets and pillowcases for $50-$80 you see offered "on special" in some linen stores. You could even buy something called a "room in a bag," a set that includes valances, window panels, window tiebacks, and decorative pillows, in addition to the usual sheets, pillowcases, bedskirt, shams, and comforter. You can save even more by using coupons; both Linens and Things and Bed Bath and Beyond accept competitor coupons. Get on the stores’ mailing lists, and they will send you coupons regularly. And keep them even after they expire because Bed Bath and Beyond will still honor them. The savings can really mount for your bigger ticket purchases.
Stores like Bed Bath and Beyond offer much of what you would need to stock your linen closest and kitchen cabinets, and more. I just bought a vacuum at Bed Bath and Beyond. Priced at $100; it just cost me $80 (plus tax) after using my coupon. But even more important than the savings is the security of knowing I won’t be stuck. I’ve bought so many vacuums that have failed me and ended up adding on to the collection for bulk pickup. But I know that if I encounter a problem with this one, I could just bring it in to the store. I’ve done just that with telephones and even draft blockers that did not perform as promised. The store people never give me a hard time. They offer credit on purchases without a receipt. With a receipt you can get your money back and can even ask for a reissue of the coupon used on the purchase of the returned item. That is a level of customer service you won’t find everywhere.
The bottom line is this: You want to minimize your aggravation and maximize your results. So shop wisely by planning your purchases, keeping your receipts, and bestowing your business only on stores that offer you: selection, savings, and courteous customer service. And while you can certainly listen to advice, you must, ultimately, have confidence in making your own decisions. Don’t be talked into anything that goes against your better judgment, and if you do your homework on this, you can be assured that your judgment is sound.
Finding Dr. Right By Dr. Henie Fialkoff
If you are like most healthy women, the last time you went to your doctor was for a school physical. The usual illnesses were handled by your pediatrician, and (s)he referred you to whichever specialist was needed if the occasion arose. Now that you're getting married, you have to familiarize yourself with a whole new specialty-- ob-gyn.
How do you find the right one? What should you look for? As with any other relationship in life, the search for the right doctor has the following three components.
#1 Is the individual competent
#2 Is the relationship practical
#3 how much of your "wish list" is fulfilled?
Qualifications:
At the very least, a competent ob-gyn will be licensed in the state in which they practice, and be board-certified. To qualify for that, they must first be board-eligible, i.e. have completed a four year residency in ob-gyn at an accredited program and then have passed a rigorous exam administered by the American College of Ob-Gyn. This entitles them to put the letters FACOG or "Fellow of the American College of Obstetrics-Gynecology" after their name. You can always check their credentials with the Board of Medical Quality Assurance of your state, or even Google them if you like. A word of warning, though. Most Ob-Gyns have at some point or another been sued . This does not mean they are incompetent. A suit should only raise a red flag if it seems particularly egregious or has occurred more frequently than average.
Pragmatic Points:
Is the doctor convenient to your work/ home / school? Are the hours good for you? Is (s)he covered by your insurance? How long is that contract for? Do they anticipate remaining affiliated with that insurance? If not covered by your insurance, can you change your plan to get that coverage? What is the reputation of the hospital or clinic with which (s)he is associated? Who are the covering doctors if (s)he is unavailable? Does (s)he do both obstetrics and gynecology? Some people limit their practice to only gynecology because of lower malpractice premiums and more predictable hours. If practicing obstetrics, how long does (s)he plan on continuing to do so? Will (s)he address unanswered concerns by e-mail, letter or phone? How long will it take to get an answer? How bright/trustworthy is the support staff ? Are they well-trained? Can they get a hold of the doctor easily?
Wish List:
This has more to do with you than with the doctor. Know yourself and that will make finding the right doctor easier. Do I want someone older with more experience, or do I prefer someone younger who is more cutting-edge?How important is hand-holding to me? What am I looking for in communication skills? Do I prefer detailed clinical explanations? How much do I want to be involved in the decision making process? Do I want a list of options or do I want someone else to make the decision? Can I state my needs succinctly or do I need someone who can articulate my wishes? Do I want to bring my doctor internet information and journal articles? Will I be happy getting my questions addressed in a group of patients or do I need privacy for all issues? Can a staff member or physician's assistant answer my questions? If the doctor doesn't answer my questions in the office setting can I be proactive and find out if some other method is more convenient for him/her? Is gender or frumkeit important to you?
Do note that if your ideal is a frum female doctor, you can certainly find one if you look hard enough, but you have to check if that person is also in a location that is convenient for you, has hours that work with your schedule, and is on your medical insurance plan. Also note that as female ob/gyns are very much in demand, you can expect to have longer waits for your visits. You also will have to schedule further in advance to get the doctor you want, especially if she is the only female in the practice. Another point: as there are few 100% female practices, though you may select a woman as your main doctor, she may not be the one who delivers your baby. It is the doctor from the practice who is on call at the time of your labor that will deliver the baby, so do be aware what the odds are that it is the doctor you selected herself.
You want the process of seeing your physician to be as seamless as possible. Make a list of your priorities and find out how long your scheduled visit is for. If you feel that this does not give you enough time, then either ask for a longer visit, if possible, or handle the single most important issue now and save the other questions for another time.
For Your First Visit:
Try to arrange a consultation to see if you and the doctor are a good fit. It’s a good idea to do this before you are in need of prenatal check ups. If you find that you are not satisfied with the doctor’s approach or response to your questions and concerns, then you should seriously consider trying out another doctor before committing to staying with one you may be unhappy with for the duration of pregnancy and post-natal care.
Tip on limiting wait time:
Find out from the receptionist if there is a specific time that tends to be relatively quiet. Usually a first morning or first afternoon appointment is best. Call before coming to verify that no emergencies have occurred. But bring along something to do so that if you are delayed, so your time is productive. Otherwise you’ll be stuck with nothing better than the usual waiting room magazines.
Dr. Fialkoff practices pediatric medicine in Los Angeles. Her training included an internship in ob-gyn, and her practice covers adolescent gynecology.
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Thoughtful Gift Giving
“It’s the thought that
counts.” We’ve all heard
that, especially when your gift is not something you care for. For example, when you get electric
yellow sweater from your aunt for your birthday and you
But from the perspective of the giver the though that should count is that the giver think about the person the gift is intended for to make it something that would, in fact, be welcome. To come up with the right gift requires thinking about the recipient’s particular situation, taste, or interest. To be a thoughtful giver is not so easy as each individual is different. While some may appreciate something purely ornamental, some would only regard it as so much clutter and prefer to only add items to their household that would be useful. And, certainly, the principle of diminishing returns applies to repeated gifts.
Applying the above to giving
gifts to engaged couples, do think about what they are likely to want or
need. So don’t give people wine decanters because A) most people
don’t use them and B) they probably have already been the less than
enthusiastic recipients of two o
Another overdone gift is the glass serving platters. You know the ones I mean. They are sold in a local discount store for $12-$20, yet all givers persist in hoping to pass them off as having been purchased for higher prices elsewhere. Face it: you’re not fooling anybody. And your intended recipient most likely already has at least three. Other gifts that could backfire include: tablecloths – they may be the wrong length and clash with the dishes; colored glassware – they may not correspond to the new couple’s taste or china pattern; havdalah sets and/or besamim boxes –we received too many of those; any number of objects you may have picked up at a department store on sale because when the recipient brings it back, she’ll find out that you only spend $19.97 on that set of crystal candlesticks and that she’ll have to contribute her own money to get what she wants in exchange. It is almost impossible to appear generous unless you are so in fact.
The obvious choice for those
for whom generosity speaks of their thoughtfulness is the universally
accepted cold, hard cash , or a check if you prefer. That allows you
to let the recipient know exactly how much you are spending on the gift
with no guess work involved – a very good choice for the truly
generous. This type of gift allows the recipient to make her own
selection for purchase at your expense, eliminating the need for you to
psyche her/him out. You don’t even have to worry about which store
your recipient is likely to shop in because legal tender is accepted
everywhere. It is even
accepted as payment for rent, utilities, and gas. It may, in fact, be put to one of
those uses by a young couple who finds they have all the home accessories
they need, but would like a home to keep it in. So long as you trust the
recipients to exercise their own discretion in how to spend your gift and
do not feel a need to be personally remembered by the object in their
breakfront that requires regular polishing, this may be a fine way to show
your generosity.
The clear dollar amount form of gift-giving takes on some limitation in the form of the gift certificate, which in today’s technologically advanced world has morphed into the gift card. Do be aware that some gift cards actually assess charges to users if they are not used by a certain date. Also a gift card to a store that the recipient with old-fashioned taste would never shop in because it carries only very modern style things or that it not conveniently located is not very useful or thoughtful. To solve that problem, now there are gift cards linked to credit cards available. They are almost the same as cash except that the stores who accept them will not give change. Instead you will retain a 68 cent balance of credit on the card if your purchase does not match the card value exactly.
Surely, though, there is something that everyone needs, and so you come up with a eureka moment as you think of groceries. Of course, there is an option to purchase a gift card to a supermarket like Stop & Shop. Now that may appear to be a perfectly practical choice. However, it is not as foolproof as it seems. Number one: your supermarket of choice may differ from the recipient’s preferred place to shop. While you may delight in the experience of self-sufficiency you get from scanning your own groceries in the store’s self-checkout, the recipient you have in mind may find it rather frustrating, preferring a full service store that actually pays people to scan, bag, and accept payment from shoppers. Number two: as groceries are so much an everyday occurrence, the gift would not make much of an impression, as the one shopping spree that came free is not very much distinguished from all the usual trips to the supermarket paid for with a credit or debit card rather than a gift card. In other words, this gift is so very practical that it practically vanishes from one’s memory once the groceries are consumed.
That is not to say that all gifts must leave vestiges of themselves; we do not wish for our gifts to turn into clutter. Yet, we would like gifts that are of a transient nature to endure in the recipient’s mind as something memorable, and the thought we put into it is designed to make the memory a pleasant one. So edible (or potable) gifts may be appropriate if they are, in fact, enjoyed by the recipient. Fine chocolates are a standard offering that look nice and keep well for quite a while. But, hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who do not like chocolate. So you really should ascertain that the box of Godiva’s finest assortment is not intended for one of those or for someone who just started an Atkins diet. Fine fruits in an elegant arrangement could be much appreciated as a gift, particularly if the recipient is entertaining company that could share in the bounty. The same holds true for a gift of wine. But if you are bestowing a case of it on someone who only drinks grape juice, the gift will not exactly be savored. The worst choice for edible gifts are those that prove to not be edible at all, such as cookies with the taste and texture of sawdust that are decorated to look festive for a particular occasion. While it is nice for food to look attractive, the first criterion for anything within that category is that it prove a pleasure to the palate and not just to the eye.
The above applies to gift giving in general, but now we come to a more particular challenge. What is there to give men? There are the standard accessories like wallets, money clips, handkerchiefs, watches, cufflinks, pens, scarves, etc. But you really have to know if these things appeal to the man if you want to get him what he would really like. Some men eschew French cuff shirts and so have no need for cuff links. And some may prefer to read the time of day on a digital watch rather than something too elegant to show clear numbers. So the rule of knowing your recipient is very much in effect here. If you know his interest, you can get him something to match it, whether it is a mug decorated with a musical motif or a book on stamps or an attaché case personalized with his monogram. Generally, women do learn to pick up on preferences, from favorite dinners to least favored colors, and can apply such knowledge to gifts.
from the fall 2008 issue The Charge of Hosting Sheva Brachos
Dear Ms. Maven,
I am very upset with my brother. I am very close to my only female cousin, Naomi. We are very close and see each other all the time. Also she has been a huge help to me over the past two years, watching my kids every Sunday morning and offering to pick up what I need from the supermarket or the cleaners. She even came along with my family on vacation and kept my children in her room, so that my husband and I could really relax. So just after she set her wedding date, I planned on organizing a really nice sheva brachos that would show her how much she is appreciated. I told her to keep the Sunday one for me, booked a local restaurant’s party room, selected a menu, and wrote up a guest list of her closest friends, neighbors, and our relatives.
Now, here’s the problem. I told my brother to make sure to get there on time, he arrived a full 20 minutes late, barely apologizing when he said that the traffic from New Jersey made the trip stretch to a full two hours. Then, bringing up traffic concerns and their cranky babies, he and his wife rushed out of there just after benching. So I was stuck with paying the whole check for dinner for 30 people by myself! I did all the work, making plans and calls, and he couldn’t even put in the effort to get there on time and then just ate and ran. We are Naomi’s only cousins on my mother’s side of the family, so my brother should have as much of an obligation to cover the costs of the sheva brachos. I just can’t get over how bad-mannered and cheap my brother is! What can I do to get him to pay his fair share?
-Heated Hostess
Ms. Maven Responds:
If I knew the secret to getting people to pay, the business demand for my services would exceed the hours of the day. However, that elusive key is not the real solution for your situation. Let’s take a closer look at the scenario you presented and attempt to understand where you and your brother are coming from on this issue. First let us define the roles involved in a dinner party like a sheva brachos. There is the host or hostess who organizes the affair and pays for it. Then there are the guests who merely show up, extend their good wishes and offer their thanks. Guests by definition are not expected to make a contribution to the dinner except in a causal bring-a-dish or potluck supper.
It was a very nice gesture toward your cousin to host her sheva brachos. When it comes to organizing such parties, those who take on the role of host have a range of options to choose from, according to their time and financial constraints. The escalation of the number of guests or a choice of menu designed to impress will cause the cost to rise. The cost of hosting can be borne mostly in cash or in labor, depending on those choices. If the hosts have the time for the shopping, preparing, serving, and cleanup, they can set up and cook everything in their own homes. Generally, that keeps the financial outlay down, but entails a lot of work. The hosts can increase their costs and cut the time involved if they bring in catered food, though they will still have the work of setup and cleanup. It is also possible to opt for a combination of some catered dishes supplemented by homemade sides, salads, and desserts to strike one’s own sense of balance between convenience and economy. Finally, there is the option that only entails the effort of making selections, placing calls, and paying the bills by leaving all the work of cooking, arranging, and cleaning to the staff of the restaurant.
It was the last option – the one with the least effort and highest expense -- that you chose. You also chose the time and place, as well as the menu and the guest list that amounted to 30 people whose dinners had to be paid for. Therefore, all the cost factors were in your hands. You don’t mention that you consulted with your brother about where, when, or how to arrange the sheva brachos. Nor was he consulted about the guest list. You also appear never to have mentioned your expectation that he share the burden of cost. Had you proposed the sheva brachos as a joint venture before it was presented as a fait accompli, he could have clarified his own expectations and preferences. He may have told you that he wan not prepared to split the cost for 30 at the restaurant you chose and suggested a smaller number of guests in a less expensive venue. He may have even been willing (with his wife’s agreement) to host at his own home with both of you contributing the dishes that would make up the meal. But you did not approach him asking for his input. You simply presented your own plan for the party as a fait accompli. In other words, you cast him in the role of guest, keeping the role of hostess all to yourself. Consequently, his leaving without picking up part of the tab is no more surprising than any of the twenty-something other people you invited doing the same – that is acting as an guest.
Based on your account, you made the party to suit your own requirement and did not share any of the planning or credit, but you do wish to share the cost. The justification you offer for your argument is that your brother is as much a cousin to Naomi as your are. However, earlier you present the rationale for making Naomi’s sheva brachos as an expression of your personal appreciation for your unique closeness and the time she devote to you and the care of your children. You mention that your brother lives quite some distance away, so I would infer that Naomi cannot be doing the same for his family as she does with yours due to your close proximity and her willingness to devote her attentions to you. While she may have been willing to do the same for your brother, you don’t report that she has done so, and it seems her free time was already taken up with you and your children. Consequently, your brother would likely not feel as great a sense of obligation as you do to Naomi.
Though he is just as much her cousin as you are, the interaction between him and her is not of the same nature. Therefore, it is unreasonable of you to project your personal feeling of gratitude toward Naomi on your brother. It is even more unreasonable of you to expect him to offer to pay half the cost of a party when you never even asked him if he wanted to be a part of it and made all the plans with no concern for anyone’s convenience other than your own. You’ve heard, “He who pays the piper calls the tune.” Well, you called it, so you have to pay for it. I would recommend that if in future, you expect a corroborative effort for payment, you first extend an offer of corroboration on planning. If you can come to an agreement and divide the cost between you, fine, but if not, then you cannot expect others to pay for the tune you called.
from the spring 2006 issue
Problem: I dread taking off my winter layers because they hide much more than warm weather clothes. I know I am a couple of sizes bigger than I should be. I have lost weight on diets, but two months later, I am right back to where I started. I don’t have an hour a day for a gym workout. What can I do to get in shape?
Ms. Maven responds: What you describe is sometimes called yo-yo dieting. You go on a diet, lose the weight, then go off the diet, and gain the weight back. Instead looking at diet as a quick fix for weigh loss, you have to make educated choices about what you eat, so that you get the nutrients you need and cut out unnecessary fat and calories. To maintain the body weight you want, you have to stick to a food plan that you can live with long term – not just for a month of rapid weight loss. Don’t try for a radical change. A strict regimen of a Spartan diet and rigorous exercise program is very difficult to sustain. Remember that slow and steady wins the race. Rather than concentrating on the final goal of losing 20 pounds, make your target five pounds and move on to the next weight loss goal after you have accomplished your first one. You will feel more accomplished and motivated.
While you can lose weight by cutting your calories, you will be better off if you also include exercise for three reasons. First, exercise causes you to burn more of the calories you consume. Second, exercise that builds your muscles will raise the rate of your metabolism even while you’re not exercising because the muscles in your body burn up more calories. Third, exercise makes you feel energized, and the activity reduces depression, which removes a common cause of overeating. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend hours at a gym. You just have to commit to increasing your physical activity. Try to spend at least twenty-five minutes a day, which could be divided into two to three shorter intervals, doing something that gets your heart pumping. Find an activity that appeals to you, so you’ll stick to it. You can walk briskly, bicycle, roller-blade, dance, or swim. Also pick up some calorie reducing points along the way by following the 7 steps below.
1. Burn more of your own energy and less fuel. If your destination is less than a mile away, try walking it, rather than taking the car. You’ll save gas while allowing yourself to burn extra calories. If you take public transportation that brings you right to your block, get off a stop earlier, to leave yourself more of a walk. Opt for the stairs instead of the elevator when you only need to cover 3 flights.
2. Clean for Shabbos or for Pesach, or for whatever reason. Think of it not just as housework but as a dual purpose workout. Pushing that vacuum cleaner, broom, or mop can result in a burn of nearly 90 calories over 20 minutes time. You get on your hands and knees to exercise, so why not dust under the furniture while you’re at it? And if you clean yourself, you save what you would have spent paying someone else to do it. Why should you give someone else all the calorie burning benefits?
3. Get your beauty sleep. Feeling tired as a result of not enough sleep can make you reach for food for an energy boost and because you are less equipped to overcome your craving. The reason is that while you sleep, fat cells in the body produce leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone; this is what sends signals your brain when it's time to stop eating. Depriving yourself of sleep translates into less lepting in your system; consequently, so you will have more cravings for sweets and starches. If you limit yourself to coffee, be careful about your choices. A latte, mocha, or whipped cream topped iced coffee, packs hundred of empty calories and fat.
4. Reach for a glass of water before you eat. There is more than one reason for this. People often think they need food when in fact they are dehydrated. So a drink may be all you really need at that point for a pick me up. In addition, water can help you feel fuller when you do eat, so you will eat less. Plus, drinking the recommended 8 glasses of water a day helps keep you system and your skin clear.
5. Eat before you dine. If you are going out to dinner, have a whole grain snack or fresh fruit before leaving for the restaurant. This is not to suggest you stuff yourself so that you are forced to only take tiny, dainty bites in public as Scarlett O’Hara did. Rather, you want to avoid being so hungry that you start nibbling at the bread or Chinese noodles while you wait for your food to arrive. In general, eating smaller amount more often is recommended as a way of spreading out your calorie intake and reducing the odds of overeating late in the day, at the time when you don’t have the opportunity to burn off what you’ve consumed.
6. Watch out for creeping calories: Eating while doing another activity increases you calorie intake far more than you will realize. As you are less aware of how much you are eating, you are less likely to feel satiated. So don’t munch while you work, drive, or watch football (well, what else would you be watching on TV?). Also be aware of fat and calories sneaking in unexpectedly; the vegetables in salad are fat free, but most dressings are not.
7. Take it with you. Don’t ruin your goals for healthful eating by buying convenience foods and vending machine snacks. If you are out for the day, pack enough food to keep you going, including a low-fat lunch and good snack choices, like carrot sticks, cucumber slices, or other ready-to-eat fresh fruits and vegetables. If you don’t have something to munch on, you will find it far harder to resist the lure of candy bars or chips. As Oscar Wilde said, “I can resist anything except temptation,” so be prepared, and keep temptation at bay.
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From the spring 2007 issueMerging Two Households Into One (almost painlessly)
By Rivka Slatkin
Ask an older married couple what it was like when they first moved in to their new home or apartment together and they may chuckle or smile with a fond, distant look in their eyes. Ask a newlywed what it is like right now, merging his stuff with her stuff, deciding how to furnish their new space, sharing closets, coming to a conclusion about what papers should be thrown away and what to keep, the feelings are not so fond and certainly not distant at all. It is really hard to combine two households into one. I feel your pain and want you to know, you are not alone in your feelings of frustration.
What makes it so hard? Think about it, when you are a young single, you’ve only accumulated a fraction of the items you will collect over a lifetime. So why is integrating your belongings with your spouse so difficult and painful? Like everything else in life, the understanding of the above situation comes from a deeper place. It really is not about your clutter, how much you have, and why you may be bringing your teddy bear along. What it really is about is personality.
Understanding why combining two households into one is so difficult begins with your Clutter Personality Assessment. You and your chosson/kallah actually have different Clutter Personality types and those characteristics affect the way you deal with clutter. If your personality types are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, you may find that you clash over whose things fit in where in your combined household.
According to organizedhome.com, there are five inclined to clutter personality types and three opposed to clutter personality types:
The Rebel- declares "I don't want to and you can't make me!"
The Deferrer- (like Scarlett O’Hara) "I'll think about that tomorrow!"
The Procrastinator/Perfectionist- Perfection cannot be rushed: "Next week, I'll organize everything ...perfectly!"
The Sentimentalist-exclaims, "Oh, the little darling!" for each little thing.
The Hoarder-protests, "This might come in hand someday!"
The Tosser- has no problem throwing things out
The Dropper- drops items wherever he/she is standing
The Concealer-organizes the clutter without tossing anything
For example, I am a Tosser married to a Perfectionist/sentimentalist. When we got married, we went through each other’s belongings together. I brought minimal amounts of possessions from my parent’s home and my husband came with boxes and boxes of stuff. I wanted to go through our things and purge immediately. My husband, on the other hand, was reluctant to toss anything.
Finally he agreed to work on organizing. We made a lot of progress, but it was slow. Every item I pulled out of my husband’s box had some sentimental value for him, whether it was a memento from a bar mitzvah or a key chain given to him by his grandfather, he did not want to part with it. But he learned, and we did succeed in weeding some stuff out. But that doesn’t mean his clutter personality was utterly transformed.
One day, I saw there was an old pile of magazines from a conference we had gone to. Nothing too important, I thought, just industry news. My husband, who rarely gets angry, almost blew a fuse when he saw I had thrown out the magazines without asking him.
What tends to happen with a Tosser/Sentimentalist relationship is that the tosser participates in “stealth organizing”, so when the Sentimentalist is not around, objects are purged. And this is what happened with us. I thought, “It will take so much less time for me to go through these boxes and boxes without my husband around.” While that was perfectly reasonable to me, it was not all right with him. Another approach was called for. We agreed to stockpile the things that were a source of contention up for a year or so until we cooled down. I put those magazines in a box in the basement, and sure enough after a year or so, my husband was unattached to them and purged them on his own.
When two clutter personalities get together, they form a Clutter Relationship. In some case the interaction between the two exacerbates the clutter tendencies of the less organized spouse. For example, ifs your husband a dropper and you are a tosser, you may find yourself automatically picking up after him. Tossing whatever he is leaving around is actually enabling him. Why should he pick it up if someone is doing it for him? Learn a way to stop enabling and teach better habits. (One wife picked up all of the dirty socks and left them on his pillow, he learned quickly!)
Is your wife a concealer, where appearances are misleading and it seems she is organized because she loves to sort and organize with her bins and labels, yet cannot get rid of anything? If you are a tosser and move her stuff, she will resent it. If you are a hoarder or sentimentalist, your wife will get to do exactly what she loves- organize it by height, size, or date. Just don’t bring things into the house faster than your wife can manage them.
Do you see how there could be inherent difficulties in opposing clutter types put together in a relationship? Let’s look at some ways to mitigate the hardships and see what you can do before and after you move in together.
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We talked earlier about objects that you are really fighting over. It is best to box them up and put them aside for a year or so until everyone cools down. It works and by then, you will have adjusted to each other and learned better strategies for handling the disagreements.
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Purge before you merge. I knew that my stuff needed to be purged and organized before I even moved in with my husband because his belongings were going to take A LOT of time to go through and I did not want to have to deal with my things in addition. Go through your things before you bring them into your new home. You will save a lot of time and aggravation.
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Plan the layout of your home before you move in. Decide which room and closets are reserved for “storage” so when you do have to keep things in boxes, no one will be upset by the sight of them.
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Identify duplicates; it is easy to see what you have two of. Weed those items out first because it is easy to make decisions on duplicates, if you have two of something, purge the duplicate.
The hoarder will still find this difficult. The hoarder loves to have duplicates and thinks they will come in handy someday. Reassure your hoarder partner that stuff will be around us always; the internet has all the information we need; thrift stores and yard sales have just about every small appliance known to man. Think of these resources as “extensions” of the household storage area that can be accessed whenever needed. Be compassionate towards your hoarder and know that hoarding is rooted in insecurity along with the fear of not having any resources.
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Designate a separate closet or dresser for each partner. Husbands and wives really need separate clothing storage areas. Find a way to provide this if possible.
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Relieve yourselves somewhat and know that you do not have to combine files. Both of you are coming from different homes with much paperwork. Paper is just about the hardest to sort so keep it separate. Don’t venture into tricky territory.
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When you are determining what to keep and bring into the home, extricate your sense of “I want to use this/keep it because it’s mine”. Select items to bring into your home only when they blend best into your space. Not because it is yours and you are attached to it.
This will be tricky for sentimentalists. Encourage your sentimentalist to take a picture of his/herself with the object before letting it go or scrapbook the memory of it.
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Agree on your personal and shared space. This is sometimes hard for newlyweds to accept. “But we want to be together every second!” I do not doubt the strength and intensity of your connection and your love. However, you still need your own space and one of you will need it more than the other.
When we moved into our home, there was a sequestered room lined with bookshelves and paneled in wood. I thought, “This will be the perfect room for my husband. His office.” The truth is, often times, I really need space to myself. And my husband knows this and goes into the living room to work on his laptop.
9. I’ve seen couples that are both rebels. Meaning, when one person makes a decision about something, the other has to disagree. And vice versa. I know of one couple that cannot even agree on where to hang artwork. If one suggests one layout, the other has to disagree simply because the feelings of “you can’t make me!” Defenses are up, no doubt. My suggestion would be to give each partner, who are good intentioned and really want to get their house set up and decorated and cannot seem to do so in a timely fashion, a room to decorate of their own. Let the husband decorate the family room and the wife decorates the kitchen. Instead of undergoing constant bickering, give each a room to setup. Decide on it and then let it go, even if you do not like their style. Chances are you will get used to it.
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After a while, you will learn more about your spouse and his/her cleaning style. Divvy up the chores according to individual likes, not dislikes. If you husband loves to do dishes and laundry, why not? You can go grocery shopping and clean the bathrooms, taking responsibility for the chores you prefer. And if you both dislike cleaning the bathroom, you can find some tradeoff that assures the job will get done without one of you feeling too imposed on.
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Discuss the house rules. Overnight guests, where will they sleep? The keys, where will they be stored? Each of you comes with a set of expectations, and often these are not even voiced before marriage. Perhaps in your home, guests never slept on the same floor as your parents and when it comes time for you to host guests, you feel very uncomfortable with your setup. Do you see how it is important to discuss these house rules? Your partner could think your feelings are absurd and does not understand your discomfort. Talk about what you are used to and come up with a set of your own house rules.
Clearly, some of the above tips are encouraged prior to your marriage. Perhaps you are reading this, already married, and experiencing these frustrations. Follow these tips and adapt them to your situation, without worrying that it is “too late”. It is never too late.
Rivka Slatkin, Jewish Life Organizer, has taught hundreds of new Jewish families how to organize themselves to improve their Shabbos and Yomim Tovim. To learn more about all she offers, to http://www.jewishlifeorganized.com/.
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Vacation Planning
NOT NECESSARILY A HONEYMOON
If you flip through standard bridal magazines, you would find many pages devoted to suggested honeymoon destinations, touting likely and unlikely places as the perfect spot. Disney, for example, aggressively markets its theme parks as a honeymoon destination as well as a wedding location. For those who still think the pumpkin coach to be the ultimate wedding transport, they provide the whole Cinderella fantasy wedding package. op reasons to go as a couple to Disney World. All this marketing may be necessary to counterbalance a person’s natural reluctance to appear to still hanker after cartoon characters. It is present thusly:
"Disneyworld is the absolute best place where you can make you and your spouse’s fairy tale come true. Just like Cinderella and her Prince Charming, the two of you can enjoy the magic and romance of Disney. With international cuisine, fun parks, a romantic atmosphere, beautiful accommodations, and excellent nightlife, the two of you will have the best honeymoon ever."
Of course this idyllic picture is irrelevant to a frum couple whose nightlife for the week after their wedding will be devoted to sheva brachos. So you don’t get to take a dream vacation just after your wedding. But that doesn’t mean you should rule it out forever.
REASONS FOR VACATION
For many summer is synonymous with vacation, and that could be a positive thing. Taking a vacation with your spouse can be an occasion to focus on your relationship together as you share new experiences and finding the relaxation you need to reconnect once the stresses of every day life, work, and bills kick in, whether that is on your one year or 6 months anniversary. Of course it doesn’t make sense to add your stress by blowing your yearly living expenses on your vacation. So you should plan to do what you could afford. If you can afford a cruise and a stay at a 5 star resort, fine. But if that is beyond your means, you can plan on a few days break in a place that won’t sow the seeds of escalating debt.
SEASONAL CONSIDERATION (if you are determined to go to Disneyworld now, blot out this paragraph and skip right to the next one)
It is actually not advisable to go to Disneyworld during the summer. 1.It is extremely hot. 2.It is peak visitor time, which means fewer discounts on hotels and very long wait times for rides. But if your really don’t mind the heat or spending far more time on a line than a ride, and if you have the stamina to keep going until the eleven PM closing time, you can make your case for a Disney vacation now by offering your spouse the following:
TOP 10 REASON TO GO TO DISNEYWORLD AS A COUPLE
1. It’ll cost you less for just two than for a family, (Disney charges admission from age 3) and you won’t have to rent a stroller or buy extra drinks.
2.You can stay for the fireworks no matter how late it is.
3. Being a princess is considered the proper aspiration of Disneyworld visitors, and even adults walk around in crowns and costumes. So you don’t need to wait for Purim to dress up.
4. Look for the chuppah in "It’s a Small World." Then you can debate whether the ride and song is cute or irritating.
5. That is one of the meaningful discussions you can have together while waiting online for an hour for a ride that lasts 2.3 minutes.
6.The "Carousel of Progress" offers another subject to discuss as you consider how to define progress and quality of life.
7.You can bond after having shared the experience of traveling at breakneck speed on a roller coaster.
8. You can be consoled that, as hot as a sheitel is, it’s nothing compared to wearing a full enclosed mouse costume on a 95 degree day.
9. It may be its own world, but you don’t need a passport to travel there from the US.
10. All the photo ops gives you an excuse to take pictures like you haven’t had since your wedding and will not have again until your first baby.
Hey if you can justify Disneyworld without kids, any other place should be a cinch! But you still have to work on logistics and meals.
GETTING THERE
Whether your vacation is to in fact to Disneyworld or to some other location, you have to plan how to get there. So long as your travel is not overseas, you can drive to most locations within the continental United States, and then you don’t have to concern yourself with obtaining a means of transportation once you arrive at your destination. But do consider before you take that route. If your destination is a 10 hour drive away, before you fill up the tank, think you do not actually enjoy driving for hours? If you do not, then why put yourself through something you dislike while you are supposed to be on vacation? Do you think it is more economical to drive than to fly? It may be, but you have to calculate the cost of gas, tolls, wear and tear on the car, as well as the opportunity cost for the time spent driving versus the cost of the plane tickets. You may not come out ahead by driving, particularly if you know how to shop for airline tickets. You should know that you don’t have to go through travel sites that won’t let you have your preference of airport, flight time, or airline to get the best deals. You can often get really good deals on airfare if you shop around a bit online.
BEFORE YOU FLY
Just be aware that there are many restriction in place on air travel now. So you cannot run in to board your plane, coffee in hand, 15 minutes before takeoff. You have to plan to get to the airport an hour and half before your flight and not have your sunscreen or souvenir pirate rifles in your carryon bag. Only liquids that are less than 3 oz. may be taken on, so you could take travel size toiletries with you if you wish. But you don’t need to leave the toy weapons behind, so long as you remember to pack them in the luggage you check. You also need to bring picture ID with you even for domestic flights. For international flights, or even car trips to Canada or Mexico, you need a passport. While you used to be able to just show a birth certificate, that is no longer the case. If you do not have a current passport, you should apply for one a couple of months before your trip. If you leave it for the last minute, you will have to pay a rush surcharge that will almost double the cost of your passport. If you don’t know how to go about getting a passport, just stop into your local post office. But I do not recommend you get your passport photos taken there, as they charge you double what a major drug store like CVS would. So get your photos taken, gather the documents you need, and the funds you need for the passport in good time for the trip, and then you’ll be set for international travel for the next ten years.
ON THE GROUND
Once your plane lands, you can pick up a rental car at the airport that you reserved online, too. Just be aware that you won’t get the car instantly, as much of the paperwork and license check is only done upon your arrival. Still, you will be able to compare charges and options and know what price you will be paying and what type of car you are getting if you reserve online. Be aware that cost of rental cars, flights, and hotels can vary greatly. You can pay more than twice as much for your car, ticket, and room during peak season than you would during off season. (That applies to anywhere, not just the areas around theme parks.) And you may find that what you thought you would be paying for a room did not include amenities like a kitchenette, including a refrigerator, that you may need if you are bringing food with you. While hotels are sometimes willing to throw in upgrades, they will feel no such compulsion when booked solid. But even during the peak of summertime, there are some promotions you can take advantage of if you do your vacation homework.
FOOD OPTIONS ON VACATION
You may notice that there was no mention of food options at Disneyworld. That is not to say that kosher food is not available. You can even obtain kosher food on the park grounds, but you will not have a pick of restaurants as you would in New York. There are, to the best of my knowledge, just two kosher restaurant in the area, one meat with very high prices, and one dairy with pizza place style food but with the pricing of waiter service built in. So if you are to be in the area for a while you may wish to consider other options. There are supermarkets that carry kosher products, as well as the usual stores like Wal-Mart and Walgreen’s with standard groceries, but we did not that bread with a hashgacha was much harder to come by than you would expect. But, one does not live by bread alone, and it is possible to go somewhere even if there is no kosher food readily available. You can bring along some things from home. One option is to bring your own meal fixings like cooked pasta to toss into a salad with vegetables and dressing obtained locally or packed along, and your favorite sandwich filling for brown bag lunches. If your idea of a vacation does not include putting meals together, takeout place and restaurants offer prepared dinners that are more upscale than what your local kosher supermarket offers. But if you want to stick to a lower food budget you can choose from a variety of TV dinners that range from $3.50 to $8 each on average.
Today TV dinner are not confined to the freezer sections and the are more options for getting them ready than popping in the microwave. For your edification, my family ran a taste test of sorts. The frozen variety we tried was rather a failure as a meal. We tried some turkey, chicken, and meat dishes, which were all met with disdain. Some of the parts remained frozen and some of the gravies and sauces seem to spread beyond their proper sections of the tray to infiltrate the desert portion with their flavors. Granted, we only tried out one brand, which will remain nameless here, so it is quite possible that other brands are tastier. The more new fangled TV dinner option that requires neither refrigeration nor an oven to heat it was more favorably regarded by our taste team. La Bruite dinners come packaged with a packet that will heat the meal in 14 minutes due to a chemical reaction that results from adding water. OK, it’s not as fast as a microwave heating, but you can’t very well lug a microwave to an amusement park, can you? There is only one thing they fail to inform you in the box that assures the dinner is complete with dessert (cookies), plasticware, salt and pepper packets, and soup. That is that the last item on the list comes in powder form in a plastic packet that will not be rendered edible by the method used to heat the meal packet. Actually, nothing will render the soup edible, for, after we got back from the park, I tried to prepare it the correct way by adding hot water to the soup mix in a cup. Its taste is rather like thin spaghetti in seawater. As the product that is purportedly soup is parve, it comes in all the varieties. The only other thing that should be included is a complimentary packet of antacid tablets, as the sauces are rather heavily spiced. I bought mostly spaghetti and meatballs, which was eaten for the most part, though some complained it was too saucy. A chicken dish was found satisfactory by my husband, and my daughter who got the dairy ravioli declared it to be good. There are a number of other choices in La Bruite, including some pseudo-meat parve concoctions that I passed over. If you find yourself traveling and desirous of having a hot meal at hand but do no have access to an implement for heating, these types of meals may be perfect for you, so long as you do not expect to enjoy soup with your meal.
TIPS ON FOREIGN FOOD PLANNING FROM PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER, REBEKAH SLATKIN
With the exception of Israel, of course, a vacation overseas could make it more difficult to get your food on location. As you will not find as many foods with kosher certifications you recognize abroad, you need to research a bit what you can obtain in foreign countries. You should try to get a list of what you can buy in the country you are going to. You can contact the Star-K and do a search on the internet for items you can buy anywhere in the world.
Here’s a few: bottled water; unflavored seltzer; beer; beer on tap in a business bar; peanuts roasted in a shell; dried beans, split peas, and all other dried legumes and canned fruits produced in the U.S. with no additives other than sugar. Please note that canned cherries may contain carmine, an insect extract used for coloring. Do not buy canned cherries (these may also be found in fruit cocktail) without reliable supervision. In addition, canned plums may contain a coloring derived from grape skin.
Also, most dried fruits may be consumed; exceptions include prunes with added oil, pineapples, pears, raisins, and apples. You may buy any canned pineapples made in Thailand or the Philippines. You may also purchase any frozen vegetables containing no oils or other additives.
You may purchase and consume any whole kosher fish. However, if the fish store employee cuts the fish with a non-kosher knife, the cut area may become not kosher. To avoid this problem, bring your own knife with you to the store and consult with your rabbi for further advice.
For more Jewish Life Planning information see www.jewish-life-organized.com.
CONCLUSION
So you are not bound by distance or food and can plan to go wherever your wishes and wallets can carry you for a vacation. Even if you are packing a whole refrigerator’s worth of groceries along with you, you will be traveling far lighter than you will be able to after children who will require far more food, especially snacks and drinks, as well as diapers, wipes, a carseat, bottles, strollers, carriers, and security objects. There is a lot more to tow than the babies themselves when you take them along. So it really is a simple matter, comparatively speaking, to go on vacation as a couple. And you will build memories together so that years down the road when you wonder, "whatever did we talk about before we had the children," you will have a positive point of reference.
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