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from the Pesach 2010 issue: Ms. Maven Responds: How to Erase Your Mistakes
Dear Ms. Maven,
My
cousin recently got engaged, and my aunt and uncle planned a vort
[engagement party]. My grandmother was flying in for the
occasion. As I live nearby and the hosts were busy with the
preparations, they asked if I was willing to pick her up from
the
airport. I agreed. But it totally slipped my
mind. The day of the vort, my aunt called to ask
what
happened. My grandmother had waited for over two hours until she hired
a taxi to my aunt’s house. She was very upset because she
thought
something must have gone wrong, and she couldn’t reach anyone on the
phone.
When I told my aunt that it doesn’t really matter
because in the end, my grandmother got there safe and sound, she said
that was no thanks to me. I don’t get it. I just
made a
mistake; everyone makes mistakes. What’s the big
deal? But now my aunt, uncle, and grandmother are
rather
cold to me. How can I get them to get over it so that this is
all
resolved before the wedding?
-Mistakes Happen
Ms. Maven responds:
Yes,
mistakes do happen and so does forgiveness, but there is an essential
step in between that you are missing. The key to making the second
happen after the first is saying you’re sorry. It is not up to you to
say that they should not make a big deal out of it. There
were no
consequences for you, so it is easy for you to say it. Though
denying wrongdoing to absolve one’s self of guilt is practically a
knee-jerk reaction, it doesn’t work. And if you try to follow the maxim
of “A good offense is the best defense,” you will only succeed in
offending people further than you already have. Taking the
stance
that others are to blame because they should not be upset about your
mistake indicates a moral compass seriously out of alignment.
Your
attempt to brush off your mistake as nothing shows that you don’t
consider their feelings of consequence. It is the equivalent
of
accidentally bumping into someone and just moving on without saying
“I’m sorry” or “Please excuse me.” The bump is the result of
an
accident, but neglecting to apologize to the person jostled indicates
you don’t think them worthy of such attention, which is an
act of
contempt. When I saw an elderly gentleman forced to move back
from someone rushing through a store, what bothered him more was the
fact that the person didn’t even break stride to apologize for
it. I have no doubt that if the person would have only
expressed
regret for bumping into the man, he would have been forgiven.
It
is the contempt implied by the neglect to do so that is more upsetting
than the unintentional bump.
Unilaterally declaring your
mistake inconsequential does not make it so. When you declare, “It’s
over,” you show that you are measuring by your own feelings alone and
do not care about them. On the other hand, apologizing for the effect
of your mistake can virtually erase it. Your
apology shows
that their feelings are important to you. If you have the
ability
to say, “I really messed you up there, and I’m sorry,” then the
incident remains limited to the mistake alone, which can then be
forgiven. Consequently, if you apologize, they are likely to
respond, “It’s okay,” or “Don’t worry about
it.”
.
Acknowledge
the truth -- that you were irresponsible and negligent. Then
tell
the people you let down that you are very sorry for it and wish to make
it up to them in the future. Apologize for making a mistake
for
which other people pay the price. Apologize for the anxiety
your
grandmother experienced while waiting and waiting with no one around to
reassure her. Apologize to your aunt and uncle for letting
them
down when they were counting on you for taking care of this.
Those words, so long as they are sincere, can work magic and make the
bad feelings disappear.
Wise people make use of this
magic in their family life and in business relationships. You
will notice it in any company that trains its people in top notch
customer service. Would you keep giving your business to a
company that overcharges you or makes other mistakes that you have to
spend time rectifying and then fails to apologize? Likely,
you
would start shopping around for an alternative that either is more
competent or more courteous, preferably both.
Likewise, if
you want to keep on good terms with family members, it is essential to
convey that you do not take their feelings for granted and do feel
sorry when your mistakes cause them grief. Here, I’ve given
you
the key, but it’s up to you to use it.
Thoughtful Gift Giving
“It’s the thought
that counts.” We’ve
all heard that, especially when your gift is not something you care for. For example, when you get
electric yellow sweater from your aunt for your birthday and you
But from the perspective of the giver the though that should count is that the giver think about the person the gift is intended for to make it something that would, in fact, be welcome. To come up with the right gift requires thinking about the recipient’s particular situation, taste, or interest. To be a thoughtful giver is not so easy as each individual is different. While some may appreciate something purely ornamental, some would only regard it as so much clutter and prefer to only add items to their household that would be useful. And, certainly, the principle of diminishing returns applies to repeated gifts.
Applying the above to
giving gifts to engaged couples, do think about what they are likely to
want or need. So don’t give people wine decanters because A)
most people don’t use them and B) they probably have already been the
less than enthusiastic recipients of two o
Another overdone gift is the glass serving platters. You know the ones I mean. They are sold in a local discount store for $12-$20, yet all givers persist in hoping to pass them off as having been purchased for higher prices elsewhere. Face it: you’re not fooling anybody. And your intended recipient most likely already has at least three. Other gifts that could backfire include: tablecloths – they may be the wrong length and clash with the dishes; colored glassware – they may not correspond to the new couple’s taste or china pattern; havdalah sets and/or besamim boxes –we received too many of those; any number of objects you may have picked up at a department store on sale because when the recipient brings it back, she’ll find out that you only spend $19.97 on that set of crystal candlesticks and that she’ll have to contribute her own money to get what she wants in exchange. It is almost impossible to appear generous unless you are so in fact.
The
obvious choice for those for whom generosity speaks of their
thoughtfulness is the universally accepted cold, hard cash , or a check
if you prefer. That allows you to let the recipient know
exactly how much you are spending on the gift with no guess work
involved – a very good choice for the truly generous. This
type of gift allows the recipient to make her own selection for
purchase at your expense, eliminating the need for you to psyche
her/him out. You don’t even have to worry about which store
your recipient is likely to shop in because legal tender is accepted
everywhere. It is
even accepted as payment for rent, utilities, and gas.
It may, in fact, be put to one of those uses by a
young couple who finds they have all the home accessories they need,
but would like a home to keep it in.
So long as you trust the recipients to exercise
their own discretion in how to spend your gift and do not feel a need
to be personally remembered by the object in their breakfront that
requires regular polishing, this may be a fine way to show your
generosity.
The clear dollar amount form of gift-giving takes on some limitation in the form of the gift certificate, which in today’s technologically advanced world has morphed into the gift card. Do be aware that some gift cards actually assess charges to users if they are not used by a certain date. Also a gift card to a store that the recipient with old-fashioned taste would never shop in because it carries only very modern style things or that it not conveniently located is not very useful or thoughtful. To solve that problem, now there are gift cards linked to credit cards available. They are almost the same as cash except that the stores who accept them will not give change. Instead you will retain a 68 cent balance of credit on the card if your purchase does not match the card value exactly.
Surely, though, there is something that everyone needs, and so you come up with a eureka moment as you think of groceries. Of course, there is an option to purchase a gift card to a supermarket like Stop & Shop. Now that may appear to be a perfectly practical choice. However, it is not as foolproof as it seems. Number one: your supermarket of choice may differ from the recipient’s preferred place to shop. While you may delight in the experience of self-sufficiency you get from scanning your own groceries in the store’s self-checkout, the recipient you have in mind may find it rather frustrating, preferring a full service store that actually pays people to scan, bag, and accept payment from shoppers. Number two: as groceries are so much an everyday occurrence, the gift would not make much of an impression, as the one shopping spree that came free is not very much distinguished from all the usual trips to the supermarket paid for with a credit or debit card rather than a gift card. In other words, this gift is so very practical that it practically vanishes from one’s memory once the groceries are consumed.
That is not to say that all gifts must leave vestiges of themselves; we do not wish for our gifts to turn into clutter. Yet, we would like gifts that are of a transient nature to endure in the recipient’s mind as something memorable, and the thought we put into it is designed to make the memory a pleasant one. So edible (or potable) gifts may be appropriate if they are, in fact, enjoyed by the recipient. Fine chocolates are a standard offering that look nice and keep well for quite a while. But, hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who do not like chocolate. So you really should ascertain that the box of Godiva’s finest assortment is not intended for one of those or for someone who just started an Atkins diet. Fine fruits in an elegant arrangement could be much appreciated as a gift, particularly if the recipient is entertaining company that could share in the bounty. The same holds true for a gift of wine. But if you are bestowing a case of it on someone who only drinks grape juice, the gift will not exactly be savored. The worst choice for edible gifts are those that prove to not be edible at all, such as cookies with the taste and texture of sawdust that are decorated to look festive for a particular occasion. While it is nice for food to look attractive, the first criterion for anything within that category is that it prove a pleasure to the palate and not just to the eye.
The above applies to gift giving in general, but now we come to a more particular challenge. What is there to give men? There are the standard accessories like wallets, money clips, handkerchiefs, watches, cufflinks, pens, scarves, etc. But you really have to know if these things appeal to the man if you want to get him what he would really like. Some men eschew French cuff shirts and so have no need for cuff links. And some may prefer to read the time of day on a digital watch rather than something too elegant to show clear numbers. So the rule of knowing your recipient is very much in effect here. If you know his interest, you can get him something to match it, whether it is a mug decorated with a musical motif or a book on stamps or an attaché case personalized with his monogram. Generally, women do learn to pick up on preferences, from favorite dinners to least favored colors, and can apply such knowledge to gifts.
from the fall 2008 issue The Charge of Hosting Sheva Brachos
Dear
Ms. Maven,
I am
very upset with my brother. I am very close to my only female cousin,
Naomi. We are very close and see each other all the time.
Also she has been a huge help to me over the past two years, watching my
kids every Sunday morning and offering to pick up what I need from the supermarket
or the cleaners. She even came along with my family on vacation and kept
my children in her room, so that my husband and I could really relax. So just
after she set her wedding date, I planned on organizing a really nice sheva
brachos that would show her how much she is appreciated. I told her
to keep the Sunday one for me, booked a local restaurant’s party room,
selected a menu, and wrote up a guest list of her closest friends, neighbors,
and our relatives.
Now,
here’s the problem. I told my brother to make sure to get there on time, he
arrived a full 20 minutes late, barely apologizing when he said that the
traffic from New Jersey made the trip stretch to a full two hours. Then,
bringing up traffic concerns and their cranky babies, he and his wife rushed
out of there just after benching. So I was stuck with paying the whole
check for dinner for 30 people by myself! I did all the work,
making plans and calls, and he couldn’t even put in the effort to get
there on time and then just ate and ran. We are Naomi’s only cousins on my
mother’s side of the family, so my brother should have as much of an obligation
to cover the costs of the sheva brachos. I just can’t get
over how bad-mannered and cheap my brother is! What can I do to get him
to pay his fair share?
-Heated
Hostess
Ms.
Maven Responds:
If I
knew the secret to getting people to pay, the business demand for my services
would exceed the hours of the day. However, that elusive key is not the
real solution for your situation. Let’s take a closer look at the scenario you
presented and attempt to understand where you and your brother are coming from
on this issue. First let us define the roles involved in a dinner
party like a sheva brachos. There is the host or hostess who
organizes the affair and pays for it. Then there are the guests who
merely show up, extend their good wishes and offer their thanks. Guests
by definition are not expected to make a contribution to the dinner except in a
causal bring-a-dish or potluck supper.
It was
a very nice gesture toward your cousin to host her sheva brachos.
When it comes to organizing such parties, those who take on the
role of host have a range of options to choose from, according to their time
and financial constraints. The escalation of the number of guests or a
choice of menu designed to impress will cause the cost to
rise. The cost of hosting can be borne mostly in cash or in
labor, depending on those choices. If the hosts have the time for the shopping,
preparing, serving, and cleanup, they can set up and cook everything in their
own homes. Generally, that keeps the financial outlay down, but entails a
lot of work. The hosts can increase their costs and cut the time involved
if they bring in catered food, though they will still have the work of setup
and cleanup. It is also possible to opt for a combination of some catered
dishes supplemented by homemade sides, salads, and desserts to strike
one’s own sense of balance between convenience and economy. Finally,
there is the option that only entails the effort of making selections, placing
calls, and paying the bills by leaving all the work of cooking, arranging, and
cleaning to the staff of the restaurant.
It was
the last option – the one with the least effort and highest expense -- that you
chose. You also chose the time and place, as well as the menu and the
guest list that amounted to 30 people whose dinners had to be paid for.
Therefore, all the cost factors were in your hands. You don’t mention
that you consulted with your brother about where, when, or how to arrange the sheva
brachos. Nor was he consulted about the guest list. You
also appear never to have mentioned your expectation that he share the burden
of cost. Had you proposed the sheva brachos as a joint
venture before it was presented as a fait accompli, he could have
clarified his own expectations and preferences. He may have
told you that he wan not prepared to split the cost for 30 at the
restaurant you chose and suggested a smaller number of guests in a less
expensive venue. He may have even been willing (with his wife’s
agreement) to host at his own home with both of you contributing the dishes
that would make up the meal. But you did not approach him asking for his
input. You simply presented your own plan for the party as a fait
accompli. In other words, you cast him in the role of guest, keeping the
role of hostess all to yourself. Consequently, his leaving without
picking up part of the tab is no more surprising than any of the
twenty-something other people you invited doing the same – that is acting as an
guest.
Based
on your account, you made the party to suit your own requirement and did
not share any of the planning or credit, but you do wish to share the
cost. The justification you offer for your argument is that your
brother is as much a cousin to Naomi as your are. However, earlier you
present the rationale for making Naomi’s sheva brachos as an expression
of your personal appreciation for your unique closeness and the time she
devote to you and the care of your children. You mention that your
brother lives quite some distance away, so I would infer that Naomi cannot be
doing the same for his family as she does with yours due to your close
proximity and her willingness to devote her attentions to you. While she
may have been willing to do the same for your brother, you don’t report that
she has done so, and it seems her free time was already taken up with you and
your children. Consequently, your brother would likely not feel as
great a sense of obligation as you do to Naomi.
Though
he is just as much her cousin as you are, the interaction between him and her
is not of the same nature. Therefore, it is unreasonable of you to
project your personal feeling of gratitude toward Naomi on your brother.
It is even more unreasonable of you to expect him to offer to pay half the cost
of a party when you never even asked him if he wanted to be a part of it and
made all the plans with no concern for anyone’s convenience other than your
own. You’ve heard, “He who pays the piper calls the tune.” Well,
you called it, so you have to pay for it. I would recommend that if in future,
you expect a corroborative effort for payment, you first extend an offer of
corroboration on planning. If you can come to an agreement and divide the
cost between you, fine, but if not, then you cannot expect others to pay
for the tune you called.
from
the spring 2006 issue
Problem:
I dread taking off my winter layers because they hide much more than warm
weather clothes. I know I am a couple of sizes bigger than I should
be. I have lost weight on diets, but two months later, I am right back to
where I started. I don’t have an hour a day for a gym
workout. What can I do to get in shape?
Ms.
Maven responds: What you describe is sometimes called yo-yo
dieting. You go on a diet, lose the weight, then go off the diet, and
gain the weight back. Instead looking at diet as a quick fix for weigh
loss, you have to make educated choices about what you eat, so that you get the
nutrients you need and cut out unnecessary fat and calories. To maintain
the body weight you want, you have to stick to a food plan that you can live
with long term – not just for a month of rapid weight loss. Don’t try for
a radical change. A strict regimen of a Spartan diet and rigorous
exercise program is very difficult to sustain. Remember that slow and
steady wins the race. Rather than concentrating on the final goal of
losing 20 pounds, make your target five pounds and move on to the next weight
loss goal after you have accomplished your first one. You will feel more
accomplished and motivated.
While
you can lose weight by cutting your calories, you will be better off if you
also include exercise for three reasons. First, exercise causes you to
burn more of the calories you consume. Second, exercise that builds your
muscles will raise the rate of your metabolism even while you’re not exercising
because the muscles in your body burn up more calories. Third, exercise
makes you feel energized, and the activity reduces depression, which removes a
common cause of overeating. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend hours
at a gym. You just have to commit to increasing your physical
activity. Try to spend at least twenty-five minutes a day, which could be
divided into two to three shorter intervals, doing something that gets your
heart pumping. Find an activity that appeals to you, so you’ll stick to
it. You can walk briskly, bicycle, roller-blade, dance, or swim. Also
pick up some calorie reducing points along the way by following the 7 steps
below.
1.
Burn more of your own energy and less fuel. If your destination is less than a
mile away, try walking it, rather than taking the car. You’ll save gas
while allowing yourself to burn extra calories. If you take public
transportation that brings you right to your block, get off a stop earlier, to
leave yourself more of a walk. Opt for the stairs instead of the elevator
when you only need to cover 3 flights.
2.
Clean for Shabbos or for Pesach, or for whatever reason. Think of it not
just as housework but as a dual purpose workout. Pushing that vacuum
cleaner, broom, or mop can result in a burn of nearly 90 calories over 20
minutes time. You get on your hands and knees to exercise, so why not
dust under the furniture while you’re at it? And if you clean yourself,
you save what you would have spent paying someone else to do it. Why
should you give someone else all the calorie burning benefits?
3.
Get your beauty sleep. Feeling tired as a result of not enough
sleep can make you reach for food for an energy boost and because you are less
equipped to overcome your craving. The reason is that while you sleep, fat cells
in the body produce leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone; this is what sends
signals your brain when it's time to stop eating. Depriving yourself of sleep
translates into less lepting in your system; consequently, so you will have
more cravings for sweets and starches. If you limit yourself to coffee,
be careful about your choices. A
latte, mocha, or whipped cream topped iced coffee, packs hundred of empty
calories and fat.
4.
Reach for a glass of water before you eat. There is more than one reason
for this. People often think they need food when in fact they are
dehydrated. So a drink may be all you really need at that point for
a pick me up. In addition, water can help you feel fuller when you do eat, so
you will eat less. Plus, drinking the recommended 8 glasses of water a
day helps keep you system and your skin clear.
5.
Eat before you dine. If you are going out to dinner, have a whole grain
snack or fresh fruit before leaving for the restaurant. This is not to
suggest you stuff yourself so that you are forced to only take tiny, dainty
bites in public as Scarlett O’Hara did. Rather, you want to avoid being
so hungry that you start nibbling at the bread or Chinese noodles while you
wait for your food to arrive. In general, eating smaller amount more
often is recommended as a way of spreading out your calorie intake and reducing
the odds of overeating late in the day, at the time when you don’t have the
opportunity to burn off what you’ve consumed.
6.
Watch out for creeping calories: Eating while doing another activity
increases you calorie intake far more than you will realize. As you are
less aware of how much you are eating, you are less likely to feel
satiated. So don’t munch while you work, drive, or watch football (well,
what else would you be watching on TV?). Also be aware of fat and
calories sneaking in unexpectedly; the vegetables in salad are fat free, but
most dressings are not.
7.
Take it with you. Don’t ruin your goals for healthful eating by buying
convenience foods and vending machine snacks. If you are out for the day,
pack enough food to keep you going, including a low-fat lunch and good snack
choices, like carrot sticks, cucumber slices, or other ready-to-eat fresh fruits
and vegetables. If you don’t have something to munch on, you will find it
far harder to resist the lure of candy bars or chips. As Oscar Wilde
said, “I can resist anything except temptation,” so be prepared, and keep
temptation at bay.
Merging Two Households Into One (almost painlessly) By Rivka Slatkin
Ask an older married couple what it was like when they
first moved in to their new home or apartment together and they may chuckle or
smile with a fond, distant look in their eyes. Ask a newlywed what it is like
right now, merging his stuff with her stuff, deciding how to furnish their new
space, sharing closets, coming to a conclusion about what papers should be
thrown away and what to keep, the feelings are not so fond and certainly not
distant at all. It is really hard to combine two households into one. I feel
your pain and want you to know, you are not alone in your feelings of
frustration.
What makes it so hard? Think about it, when you are a
young single, you’ve only accumulated a fraction of the items you will collect
over a lifetime. So why is integrating your belongings with your spouse so
difficult and painful? Like everything else in life, the understanding of the
above situation comes from a deeper place. It really is not about your clutter,
how much you have, and why you may be bringing your teddy bear along. What it
really is about is personality.
Understanding why combining two households into one is
so difficult begins with your Clutter Personality Assessment. You and your
chosson/kallah actually have different Clutter Personality types and those
characteristics affect the way you deal with clutter. If your personality types
are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, you may find that you clash over
whose things fit in where in your combined household.
According to organizedhome.com, there are five
inclined to clutter personality types and three opposed to clutter
personality types:
The Rebel- declares "I don't want to
and you can't make me!"
The Deferrer- (like Scarlett O’Hara) "I'll
think about that tomorrow!"
The Procrastinator/Perfectionist- Perfection cannot be rushed: "Next week, I'll organize
everything ...perfectly!"
The Sentimentalist-exclaims,
"Oh, the little darling!" for each little thing.
The Hoarder-protests, "This might come
in hand someday!"
The Tosser- has no problem throwing things
out
The Dropper- drops items wherever he/she is
standing
The Concealer-organizes the clutter without
tossing anything
For example, I am a Tosser married to a
Perfectionist/sentimentalist. When we got married, we went through each other’s
belongings together. I brought minimal amounts of possessions from my parent’s
home and my husband came with boxes and boxes of stuff. I wanted to go through
our things and purge immediately. My husband, on the other hand, was reluctant
to toss anything.
Finally he agreed to work on organizing. We made a lot
of progress, but it was slow. Every item I pulled out of my husband’s box
had some sentimental value for him, whether it was a memento from a bar mitzvah
or a key chain given to him by his grandfather, he did not want to part with
it. But he learned, and we did succeed in weeding some stuff out. But
that doesn’t mean his clutter personality was utterly transformed.
One day, I saw there was an old pile of magazines from
a conference we had gone to. Nothing too important, I thought, just industry
news. My husband, who rarely gets angry, almost blew a fuse when he saw I had
thrown out the magazines without asking him.
What tends to happen with a Tosser/Sentimentalist
relationship is that the tosser participates in “stealth organizing”, so when
the Sentimentalist is not around, objects are purged. And this is what
happened with us. I thought, “It will take so much less time for me to go
through these boxes and boxes without my husband around.” While that was
perfectly reasonable to me, it was not all right with him. Another
approach was called for. We agreed to stockpile the things that were a source
of contention up for a year or so until we cooled down. I put those magazines
in a box in the basement, and sure enough after a year or so, my husband was
unattached to them and purged them on his own.
When two clutter personalities get together, they form
a Clutter Relationship. In some case the interaction between the two
exacerbates the clutter tendencies of the less organized spouse. For
example, ifs your husband a dropper and you are a tosser, you may find yourself
automatically picking up after him. Tossing whatever he is leaving around is
actually enabling him. Why should he pick it up if someone is doing it for him?
Learn a way to stop enabling and teach better habits. (One wife picked up all
of the dirty socks and left them on his pillow, he learned quickly!)
Is your wife a concealer, where appearances are
misleading and it seems she is organized because she loves to sort and organize
with her bins and labels, yet cannot get rid of anything? If you are a tosser
and move her stuff, she will resent it. If you are a hoarder or sentimentalist,
your wife will get to do exactly what she loves- organize it by height, size,
or date. Just don’t bring things into the house faster than your wife can
manage them.
Do you see how there could be inherent difficulties in
opposing clutter types put together in a relationship? Let’s look at some ways
to mitigate the hardships and see what you can do before and after you move in
together.
- We talked earlier about objects that you are really fighting
over. It is best to box them up and put them aside for a year or so until
everyone cools down. It works and by then, you will have adjusted to each
other and learned better strategies for handling the disagreements.
- Purge before you merge. I knew that my stuff needed to be
purged and organized before I even moved in with my husband because his
belongings were going to take A LOT of time to go through and I did not
want to have to deal with my things in addition. Go through your things
before you bring them into your new home. You will save a lot of time and
aggravation.
- Plan the layout of your home before you move in. Decide which
room and closets are reserved for “storage” so when you do have to keep
things in boxes, no one will be upset by the sight of them.
- Identify duplicates; it is easy to see what you have two of.
Weed those items out first because it is easy to make decisions on
duplicates, if you have two of something, purge the duplicate.
The hoarder will still find this difficult. The hoarder loves to
have duplicates and thinks they will come in handy someday. Reassure your
hoarder partner that stuff will be around us always; the internet has all the
information we need; thrift stores and yard sales have just about every
small appliance known to man. Think of these resources as “extensions” of the
household storage area that can be accessed whenever needed. Be compassionate
towards your hoarder and know that hoarding is rooted in insecurity along with
the fear of not having any resources.
- Designate a separate closet or dresser for each partner.
Husbands and wives really need separate clothing storage areas. Find a way
to provide this if possible.
- Relieve yourselves somewhat and know that you do not have
to combine files. Both of you are coming from different homes with
much paperwork. Paper is just about the hardest to sort so keep it
separate. Don’t venture into tricky territory.
- When you are determining what to keep and bring into the
home, extricate your sense of “I want to use this/keep it because it’s
mine”. Select items to bring into your home only when they blend best
into your space. Not because it is yours and you are attached to it.
This will be tricky for sentimentalists. Encourage your
sentimentalist to take a picture of his/herself with the object before letting
it go or scrapbook the memory of it.
- Agree on your personal and shared space. This is sometimes
hard for newlyweds to accept. “But we want to be together every second!” I
do not doubt the strength and intensity of your connection and your love.
However, you still need your own space and one of you will need it more
than the other.
When we moved into our home, there was a sequestered room lined
with bookshelves and paneled in wood. I thought, “This will be the perfect room
for my husband. His office.” The truth is, often times, I really need space to
myself. And my husband knows this and goes into the living room to work on his
laptop.
9. I’ve seen couples that are both rebels. Meaning, when one
person makes a decision about something, the other has to disagree. And vice
versa. I know of one couple that cannot even agree on where to hang artwork. If
one suggests one layout, the other has to disagree simply because the feelings
of “you can’t make me!” Defenses are up, no doubt. My suggestion would be to
give each partner, who are good intentioned and really want to get their house
set up and decorated and cannot seem to do so in a timely fashion, a room to
decorate of their own. Let the husband decorate the family room and the
wife decorates the kitchen. Instead of undergoing constant bickering, give each
a room to setup. Decide on it and then let it go, even if you do not like their
style. Chances are you will get used to it.
- After a while, you will learn more about your spouse and
his/her cleaning style. Divvy up the chores according to individual
likes, not dislikes. If you husband loves to do dishes and laundry,
why not? You can go grocery shopping and clean the bathrooms, taking
responsibility for the chores you prefer. And if you both dislike
cleaning the bathroom, you can find some tradeoff that assures the job
will get done without one of you feeling too imposed on.
- Discuss the house rules. Overnight guests, where will they
sleep? The keys, where will they be stored? Each of you comes with a set
of expectations, and often these are not even voiced before marriage.
Perhaps in your home, guests never slept on the same floor as your parents
and when it comes time for you to host guests, you feel very uncomfortable
with your setup. Do you see how it is important to discuss these house
rules? Your partner could think your feelings are absurd and does not
understand your discomfort. Talk about what you are used to and come up
with a set of your own house rules.
Clearly, some of the above tips are encouraged prior
to your marriage. Perhaps you are reading this, already married, and
experiencing these frustrations. Follow these tips and adapt them to your
situation, without worrying that it is “too late”. It is never too late.
Rivka Slatkin, Jewish Life Organizer, has taught hundreds of new Jewish families how to organize themselves to improve their Shabbos and Yomim Tovim. To learn more about all she offers, to http://www.jewishlifeorganized.com/.
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Vacation Planning
NOT NECESSARILY A HONEYMOON
If you flip through standard bridal magazines, you would find many pages devoted to suggested honeymoon destinations, touting likely and unlikely places as the perfect spot. Disney, for example, aggressively markets its theme parks as a honeymoon destination as well as a wedding location. For those who still think the pumpkin coach to be the ultimate wedding transport, they provide the whole Cinderella fantasy wedding package. op reasons to go as a couple to Disney World. All this marketing may be necessary to counterbalance a person’s natural reluctance to appear to still hanker after cartoon characters. It is present thusly:
"Disneyworld is the absolute best place where you can make you and your spouse’s fairy tale come true. Just like Cinderella and her Prince Charming, the two of you can enjoy the magic and romance of Disney. With international cuisine, fun parks, a romantic atmosphere, beautiful accommodations, and excellent nightlife, the two of you will have the best honeymoon ever."
Of course this idyllic picture is irrelevant to a frum couple whose nightlife for the week after their wedding will be devoted to sheva brachos. So you don’t get to take a dream vacation just after your wedding. But that doesn’t mean you should rule it out forever.
REASONS FOR VACATION
For many summer is synonymous with vacation, and that could be a positive thing. Taking a vacation with your spouse can be an occasion to focus on your relationship together as you share new experiences and finding the relaxation you need to reconnect once the stresses of every day life, work, and bills kick in, whether that is on your one year or 6 months anniversary. Of course it doesn’t make sense to add your stress by blowing your yearly living expenses on your vacation. So you should plan to do what you could afford. If you can afford a cruise and a stay at a 5 star resort, fine. But if that is beyond your means, you can plan on a few days break in a place that won’t sow the seeds of escalating debt.
SEASONAL CONSIDERATION (if you are determined to go to Disneyworld now, blot out this paragraph and skip right to the next one)
It is actually not advisable to go to Disneyworld during the summer. 1.It is extremely hot. 2.It is peak visitor time, which means fewer discounts on hotels and very long wait times for rides. But if your really don’t mind the heat or spending far more time on a line than a ride, and if you have the stamina to keep going until the eleven PM closing time, you can make your case for a Disney vacation now by offering your spouse the following:
TOP 10 REASON TO GO TO DISNEYWORLD AS A COUPLE
1. It’ll cost you less for just two than for a family, (Disney charges admission from age 3) and you won’t have to rent a stroller or buy extra drinks.
2.You can stay for the fireworks no matter how late it is.
3. Being a princess is considered the proper aspiration of Disneyworld visitors, and even adults walk around in crowns and costumes. So you don’t need to wait for Purim to dress up.
4. Look for the chuppah in "It’s a Small World." Then you can debate whether the ride and song is cute or irritating.
5. That is one of the meaningful discussions you can have together while waiting online for an hour for a ride that lasts 2.3 minutes.
6.The "Carousel of Progress" offers another subject to discuss as you consider how to define progress and quality of life.
7.You can bond after having shared the experience of traveling at breakneck speed on a roller coaster.
8. You can be consoled that, as hot as a sheitel is, it’s nothing compared to wearing a full enclosed mouse costume on a 95 degree day.
9. It may be its own world, but you don’t need a passport to travel there from the US.
10. All the photo ops gives you an excuse to take pictures like you haven’t had since your wedding and will not have again until your first baby.
Hey if you can justify Disneyworld without kids, any other place should be a cinch! But you still have to work on logistics and meals.
GETTING THERE
Whether your vacation is to in fact to Disneyworld or to some other location, you have to plan how to get there. So long as your travel is not overseas, you can drive to most locations within the continental United States, and then you don’t have to concern yourself with obtaining a means of transportation once you arrive at your destination. But do consider before you take that route. If your destination is a 10 hour drive away, before you fill up the tank, think you do not actually enjoy driving for hours? If you do not, then why put yourself through something you dislike while you are supposed to be on vacation? Do you think it is more economical to drive than to fly? It may be, but you have to calculate the cost of gas, tolls, wear and tear on the car, as well as the opportunity cost for the time spent driving versus the cost of the plane tickets. You may not come out ahead by driving, particularly if you know how to shop for airline tickets. You should know that you don’t have to go through travel sites that won’t let you have your preference of airport, flight time, or airline to get the best deals. You can often get really good deals on airfare if you shop around a bit online.
BEFORE YOU FLY
Just be aware that there are many restriction in place on air travel now. So you cannot run in to board your plane, coffee in hand, 15 minutes before takeoff. You have to plan to get to the airport an hour and half before your flight and not have your sunscreen or souvenir pirate rifles in your carryon bag. Only liquids that are less than 3 oz. may be taken on, so you could take travel size toiletries with you if you wish. But you don’t need to leave the toy weapons behind, so long as you remember to pack them in the luggage you check. You also need to bring picture ID with you even for domestic flights. For international flights, or even car trips to Canada or Mexico, you need a passport. While you used to be able to just show a birth certificate, that is no longer the case. If you do not have a current passport, you should apply for one a couple of months before your trip. If you leave it for the last minute, you will have to pay a rush surcharge that will almost double the cost of your passport. If you don’t know how to go about getting a passport, just stop into your local post office. But I do not recommend you get your passport photos taken there, as they charge you double what a major drug store like CVS would. So get your photos taken, gather the documents you need, and the funds you need for the passport in good time for the trip, and then you’ll be set for international travel for the next ten years.
ON THE GROUND
Once your plane lands, you can pick up a rental car at the airport that you reserved online, too. Just be aware that you won’t get the car instantly, as much of the paperwork and license check is only done upon your arrival. Still, you will be able to compare charges and options and know what price you will be paying and what type of car you are getting if you reserve online. Be aware that cost of rental cars, flights, and hotels can vary greatly. You can pay more than twice as much for your car, ticket, and room during peak season than you would during off season. (That applies to anywhere, not just the areas around theme parks.) And you may find that what you thought you would be paying for a room did not include amenities like a kitchenette, including a refrigerator, that you may need if you are bringing food with you. While hotels are sometimes willing to throw in upgrades, they will feel no such compulsion when booked solid. But even during the peak of summertime, there are some promotions you can take advantage of if you do your vacation homework.
FOOD OPTIONS ON VACATION
You may notice that there was no mention of food options at Disneyworld. That is not to say that kosher food is not available. You can even obtain kosher food on the park grounds, but you will not have a pick of restaurants as you would in New York. There are, to the best of my knowledge, just two kosher restaurant in the area, one meat with very high prices, and one dairy with pizza place style food but with the pricing of waiter service built in. So if you are to be in the area for a while you may wish to consider other options. There are supermarkets that carry kosher products, as well as the usual stores like Wal-Mart and Walgreen’s with standard groceries, but we did not that bread with a hashgacha was much harder to come by than you would expect. But, one does not live by bread alone, and it is possible to go somewhere even if there is no kosher food readily available. You can bring along some things from home. One option is to bring your own meal fixings like cooked pasta to toss into a salad with vegetables and dressing obtained locally or packed along, and your favorite sandwich filling for brown bag lunches. If your idea of a vacation does not include putting meals together, takeout place and restaurants offer prepared dinners that are more upscale than what your local kosher supermarket offers. But if you want to stick to a lower food budget you can choose from a variety of TV dinners that range from $3.50 to $8 each on average.
Today TV dinner are not confined to the freezer sections and the are more options for getting them ready than popping in the microwave. For your edification, my family ran a taste test of sorts. The frozen variety we tried was rather a failure as a meal. We tried some turkey, chicken, and meat dishes, which were all met with disdain. Some of the parts remained frozen and some of the gravies and sauces seem to spread beyond their proper sections of the tray to infiltrate the desert portion with their flavors. Granted, we only tried out one brand, which will remain nameless here, so it is quite possible that other brands are tastier. The more new fangled TV dinner option that requires neither refrigeration nor an oven to heat it was more favorably regarded by our taste team. La Bruite dinners come packaged with a packet that will heat the meal in 14 minutes due to a chemical reaction that results from adding water. OK, it’s not as fast as a microwave heating, but you can’t very well lug a microwave to an amusement park, can you? There is only one thing they fail to inform you in the box that assures the dinner is complete with dessert (cookies), plasticware, salt and pepper packets, and soup. That is that the last item on the list comes in powder form in a plastic packet that will not be rendered edible by the method used to heat the meal packet. Actually, nothing will render the soup edible, for, after we got back from the park, I tried to prepare it the correct way by adding hot water to the soup mix in a cup. Its taste is rather like thin spaghetti in seawater. As the product that is purportedly soup is parve, it comes in all the varieties. The only other thing that should be included is a complimentary packet of antacid tablets, as the sauces are rather heavily spiced. I bought mostly spaghetti and meatballs, which was eaten for the most part, though some complained it was too saucy. A chicken dish was found satisfactory by my husband, and my daughter who got the dairy ravioli declared it to be good. There are a number of other choices in La Bruite, including some pseudo-meat parve concoctions that I passed over. If you find yourself traveling and desirous of having a hot meal at hand but do no have access to an implement for heating, these types of meals may be perfect for you, so long as you do not expect to enjoy soup with your meal.
TIPS ON FOREIGN FOOD PLANNING FROM PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER, REBEKAH SLATKIN
With the exception of Israel, of course, a vacation overseas could make it more difficult to get your food on location. As you will not find as many foods with kosher certifications you recognize abroad, you need to research a bit what you can obtain in foreign countries. You should try to get a list of what you can buy in the country you are going to. You can contact the Star-K and do a search on the internet for items you can buy anywhere in the world.
Here’s a few: bottled water; unflavored seltzer; beer; beer on tap in a business bar; peanuts roasted in a shell; dried beans, split peas, and all other dried legumes and canned fruits produced in the U.S. with no additives other than sugar. Please note that canned cherries may contain carmine, an insect extract used for coloring. Do not buy canned cherries (these may also be found in fruit cocktail) without reliable supervision. In addition, canned plums may contain a coloring derived from grape skin.
Also, most dried fruits may be consumed; exceptions include prunes with added oil, pineapples, pears, raisins, and apples. You may buy any canned pineapples made in Thailand or the Philippines. You may also purchase any frozen vegetables containing no oils or other additives.
You may purchase and consume any whole kosher fish. However, if the fish store employee cuts the fish with a non-kosher knife, the cut area may become not kosher. To avoid this problem, bring your own knife with you to the store and consult with your rabbi for further advice.
For more Jewish Life Planning information see www.jewish-life-organized.com.
CONCLUSION
So you are not bound by distance or food and can plan to go wherever your wishes and wallets can carry you for a vacation. Even if you are packing a whole refrigerator’s worth of groceries along with you, you will be traveling far lighter than you will be able to after children who will require far more food, especially snacks and drinks, as well as diapers, wipes, a carseat, bottles, strollers, carriers, and security objects. There is a lot more to tow than the babies themselves when you take them along. So it really is a simple matter, comparatively speaking, to go on vacation as a couple. And you will build memories together so that years down the road when you wonder, "whatever did we talk about before we had the children," you will have a positive point of reference.
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